Don't hit delete ....

WAM Solitary woman with shadow

I am working on designing my website. I have hired someone, well not just someone, but the most awesome, intuitive, creative woman with the capacity to help me :-0.  As I have been playing around with some of my ideas I create a section called Journal.  Now this is really my blog space but I like the way journal feels.  It is not abrupt, a four letter word, and something I have not kept!  Sounds like a perfect title besides doesn't everyone want to read everyone's 'journal'?  It might contain fifty shades of grey, right?

Not mine.... ;-)  But it will have 50 shades of grey because life is not Black and White...

As I am "designing" I begin to come up with these incredibly awesome short titles for pieces in my journal.  I save them and go on about my business returning several days later.  Now it has been some time since I visited my website and my brain has fogged over.  Never a good thing with me.  I go in to my site and start playing around.  I decide I wanted to delete the template pictures and add my own.  Well I hit the DELETE button and wham everything is gone... picture and cute catchy phrase.  Shit, shit, shit!!

I have these fantastic moments where stuff just flows.  I know I am so connected with my soul and spirit that what I am writing is so free of any judgement and filled with beauty and love and those phrases where just that.  I was like what happened here.  Checking to make sure I was in the right space for creating, yep I am there, I begin to wonder what is up.  I hear, pick another, so first one up is "don't hit delete"!  Hmmmmmm!!

So what is the message to me in this?  I have a wonderful habit of letting go of things no longer needed, an ability to just close off to people either hurtful or no longer in alignment with me, I hit delete a lot!  When I was younger it really was a natural thing for me to see things were over and just move on and then those moments, and we all have them, when the story of our life began to hurt.  It wasn't just uncomfortable, it hurt!  How I coped with it was to really strengthen my Delete button!  I would find the strength and then "DELETE" and poof people, things, places were gone.  It became my shield against all odds.  I had a dear friend once tell me how uncanny it was that I could just walk away from things and she wondered out loud if she would be one of my Delete friends.  She didn't really paint my ability as something wonderful.  It was more like "you can really cut people out" and it made me look at this ability; this shadow side of me.

I loved it when computers came along and we had the Delete key and then the ultimate - Ctrl, Alt, Del -  This combination became a shaman's tool.  Day really tough, Ctrl, Alt, Del, boss a nuisance CAD, struggling with personal issues, CAD!!  You have the ability to Control the story, Alter the story, and Delete the old story for the new true story.

This ability is really a combination tool for me.  My shadow side can and will walk away from people, places, and things without a moment of pause.  I am not one to argue and plead for things to change for very long.  And the walking away can be an unwillingness to not engage in confrontation.  I do not like yelling, bickering, forcing the other to see your side or win the argument.  So I know when it is time to walk and I go and this isn't always the best solution to the relationship.  I often times don't leave an explanation behind in my dust.  I just go.

Not everyone thinks and solves problems the way I do.  I am a bullet point person.  You whine too much for too long, Delete; you turn down invite after invite too often, Delete; you hurt me or my family, Delete; you are no longer beneficial to our wellbeing and happiness, Delete.  It is not because I am impatient.  It is because I feel and sense deep down and am present to the ebb and flow of life.  I know that often times our paths will cross again if we are to continue.  I know that so much of our life is done alone and must be experienced alone.  I know that we often stop our growth and capacity to expand our ability to love when we hang around way after the dance has ended.  I don't walk to hurt, I walk because I have heard 'The time is now' and I listen to my guidance even when others think I am delusional and need psychiatric help; even dear family members.

Am I brave. Nope!  I just follow a still small voice that has stood beside me, laughed with me, healed me, and allowed me to see the me that I am.  My soul has been with me through every up and down and detour.  Every joy and tear drenched moment.  My soul knows the story of my life in its truest form.  My soul knows that I love so deeply, I relish the sparkle in everyone's eyes, and to hurt another is so painful for me.

So the next time you see someone use the Delete....  Remember if you don't hit delete you can't move forward. 

1000 Awesome ...


Who knew if you started counting those times that you were caught off guard by the ordinary that toes and fingers would not be enough?

I decided that if I really was so taken by life that I should start taking stock.  Was there just one thing that drew me, was it only in the morning, what about when I wanted to take a Calgon bath to the stars, or was I just blowing smoke up my head?

Nope.  It didn't show up in a pattern, only when I had had enough, or when I was in contemplation.  It showed up when I least expected it.  I would giggle, or tear up and I actually drive my office mate insane.

It does include those moments when the hummingbird sits quietly on his perch beside you, when the sun sinks deep past the mountains leaving gorgeous pink striations, and the quietness of the snow falling for its first winter show.

It also shows up in the calmness as you step outside the workplace, the click of your key into the front door lock after a trip, the sound of the train as it moves through the town, and the tick-tock of the clock as you sit and type.

I do relish everything in my life.  I relish those times I come home with a list of things to accomplish before 9pm and I find myself sitting on the couch surfing the web with the list being put off one more night.  It gives me a moment to give myself permission to not be Type A, a label I firmly believe is false, permission to welcome the shadow side of me that rebels against established expectations, permission to once again release my past parochial discipline, and permission to allow me to give up the fight.  I have found the more there is NO reaction to my not accomplishing the "list" the list isn't necessary.  My evening isn't mapped out, my time doesn't run out, and I have managed to have 1000 awesome moments by letting my life unfold as it wants right beside that ordinary tasks.

Don't get me wrong I still accomplish items that are important to me, ticking them off as I move from them to the next, but I no longer have any expectations about timelines, perfection, or even meeting the initial design.  If I make a list it is because I have found that with walking in two worlds I can loose track of the seasoning needed for my recipe when distracted by a non-ordinary discovery.   By not having expectations, I discover the joy in the moment, the essence of this time in life, this nano-second that so often goes unnoticed.  It was when I gave myself permission to stop the madness that I began to grasp the concept of Being in the Now.  This concept, honestly, baffled the hell out of me.  It was always explained, in my perception, in lofty terms.  It was not until I began to heal and embrace all of my light and shadow that I could comprehend Being in the Now.  The comprehension came in layers and I took opportunities from my work day to incorporate how BITN felt. The discovery of sitting working on a project to find hours had moved on was exactly Being in the Now.

So the essence of life for me is the 1000 awesome discovered moments that eluded me because the story I had been writing closed them off.  And now they are front and center not to be shoved aside but running towards me to become the Ahhhh

And with the wind comes .....

trees with setting sun

Saturday night - and I find myself drawn to the computer - as I am sitting here typing I listen to the giggles and screams of grade schoolers visiting my neighbor downstairs.  Such fun! Teasing her as they call her grandmother. The weather begins to change to the threat of a storm, much like last night and I wonder will we be the recipients of the storm tonight or be spared again?  I am still learning how to read the weather here.  In Colorado I grew up learning about the weather.  It was important to know it so you weren't caught unawares and could avoid danger. At the same time it was more than just sticking your hand out to see if it got wet.  It became a contemplation, a conversation, and sometimes a communion.

Even now as I type I have turned the music off that was quietly playing so I can hear the sound of the wind as it passes through the trees.  The pines have a song of freshness, the cottonwoods their brittle leaves add the staccato, the poplar pulls you into its whisper as the leaves show you their underside, their willingness to be vulnerable.  Some trees stand silently allowing the others their performance and then they all join together.  Twirling, moving, bowing, touching each other, giving the wind freedom.  Giving the wind a voice.  There is the rush and the pause, the rush and the pause just before the burst.  How I love the metaphor!  They show me the rhythm they experience is the same as mine.  Some times when I am busy being present to whatever is happening in the moment for me, my path is crossed by what I call a needling or issue.  They generally appear when my ego is sparked by something it thinks needs to take center stage.  Ego, as wind rushes up to my focus, rustling my calm demeanor causing me to respond.  Is it a twirl and bend or is it a resistance and crack?  As the tree has choices in its response to the wind, so do I.  My soul has shown me that moving with the wind rather than resisting the issue creates a rhythm that allows the weather to appear and move on.  Embracing the wind or moving with it allows me to decipher the essence of the issue.  Am I really upset about the driver who just pulled out in front of me or is there a deeper story here? Is it only about not being seen or is there something deeper?   Going deeper with my soul always takes me to the burst of release.

What else am I learning from watching the weather?  Is it only about issues?  What about the shared movement of the trees?  For today might the metaphor be about dancing together enjoying the moment and the shared experience.  How is that present in my life?  The family below eating dinner and sharing tall tales of feats of courage - giggling together when caught. And myself enjoying their play and togetherness feeling their communal energy as it moves around us.

Or how about the days when it is sweltering (relatively speaking the West's version of sweltering on a scale of 1-10 in the South is a -20) but sweltering none the less.  What you hope for is rain .... and when you see that there is nary a cloud within a 1000 miles ...."could we just have a breeze please?"   What benefit is a breeze?  It can come so slowly and then move past in a wisp.  As you are sweltering with the issue at hand what benefit is it to create a breeze?  Perhaps a moment to pause, feel some relief and maybe allow a new perspective.  Perhaps a moment to be still and not fret.  Or perhaps the realization that just the request for a breeze gave you the nudge to let go of the story.

Wind in all its forms is a change maker.  The gall force winds of a hurricane don't tiptoe in, they come raging in, grabbing your attention and you know your life is about to change!  But the breeze can trick you into thinking 'ah there is nothing to worry about' and within a split second you life just changed.

I love the wind

Forever and a day ....

Alaskan Brown Bear

So I have tried to post, write, spew, anything for the past 6 months... and as you can see NADA!

So what gives?  Nothing really gave I just had to walk through releasing the known to get to here.  It hasn't been a cake walk, more like a merry-go-round, repeat, repeat, repeat.  Kind of like a constant rinse cycle.  Get the dirt out, add fresh water, spin, spin and spin till you are certain the dirt is out only to find another spot.  So back you go again.

Till finally it dawned me I was afraid of letting go of the familiar!  The pain in my arse, non-fulfilling familiar.  Go figure.  Well I did and I still found myself reacting to my dear friends new endeavors, feeling that nasty hit you get from your ego that says a myriad of things that are not true.  I really was happy for them but I knew by my reaction that my lovely ego had taken the lead.  This wasn't ok with me but it was a pattern long-held.

So what to do?  When in doubt I journey, sometimes knowing I just may get my arse kicked by my guides, Yes even the angelic one....  But off I went expecting the shake up and instead getting a moment with them deep in reflection sitting in my special place looking out onto the Cosmos, breathing, breathing, and just feeling.  Flashes of past ways, times when I wrote daily, sometimes several times a day, times of ridicule which when they passed I scooped up the Soul piece cradling it into me, times of just looking, watching, knowing.  Eventually the journey came to an end; an end only for that moment.  Thanking my guides I returned to my room checking to see if a miracle had happened.  Had I changed?  Had I acquired volumes of words to share with everyone?

Nope.  I was still here being me.  A miracle? why perhaps since I am back at it this morning ;-)

What had happened is I found that my ego could go back into the back seat even after it had been driving for what seemed ages.  That my soul knows best for me, that it never leaves, only sits quietly holding me in the most profound love and presence.  Allowing me to grow, slip-slide, and dance forward.  My soul is my best friend, is me in all my ecstasy, is willing to let go of the familiar, and is always, always there for me.

So writing again? Yes, I am willing and ready to share my thoughts, my struggles, my accomplishments, my quiet moments, my true travels with my soul.  It is a big step, one that has been long in coming, one that means far more than the story tells, one that required a story to be rewritten, one that places me out, out in the wild, wild world where the wild things roam, a place that welcomes me, a place that wants me, a place that is home to me and so many dear people.

I write now because it is who I am.  A storyteller.  I take what is and make it what it really is.  Don't ask me how, don't get into my head, just listen to the story and allow.

I am not some wise guru or someone to worship.  I am you, I am me, I am soul.

This mornings story comes today because I stopped hedging my bets.  I took the pattern and twisted it up.  I literally called into work stating I had a headache.  More like a body ache.  (Now listen I am not telling you to call in sick every day you want to change a pattern - you can change patterns on weekends).  I waited and listened and when I felt that moment when my mind and body were relaxed I got up, poured a cup of coffee, sat outside quietly, spied my special hummingbird drinking from his feeder and knew the moment was ripe.  I grabbed my literally brand new laptop (its purchase is another story for another day) and started.  Once this is completed for the hour, I will walk my morning walk, shower, dress, and head into work. I have gratitude for the job that pays and tends to all the necessities of daily life, I no longer view it as the piece that stops me from "what I want to do really", and I will use every non-filled moment at work to write.  If Harry Potter can be written on scraps of paper, hell I can write a blog!

For some reason, I want to end today with Peace Out.  Gotta be a story in that .....

What brings me soul moments....

A friend recently posted a lovely FB picture with short paragraph called, Random Moments.  It got me thinking.  What are my random moments... Looking out into the dark night to the immense sky filled with twinkling stars as evening prayers are said, morning coffee in the quiet darkness knowing the deer still sleep outside my window, hearing the wind chime ringing in the evening wind as I drift off to sleep.. <3  Glancing out my office window to the hills across the street to spot the deer playing along the trail to where ever it is they go all in a city of 65000 people..Blessed!

And then I thought that is a canned response.  Not that those moments aren't soul moments just that they have become the standard.  What about this morning when I looked out the kitchen window way past sunrise, late for me, a spied a chubby brown Buddha sitting on the corner of the shed looking at me creating a triangle from St. Francis to himself to me....knowing that I never put a Buddha there, thinking perhaps my friend who had mowed the lawn left me a gift.  After sitting with the unexplained gift for a minute finally realizing that the chubby little Buddha was a chubby little squirrel.  Totally out of character sitting quietly not moving a muscle.  Now that's a soul moment.


Blog_spiral beginning

So I have wanted to write or should I say I have been dragged to write.  And write about what?  I have 2 stories started, a really rough draft of a screenplay, and a 'here's my thoughts on soul' lesson book sitting in various places/boxes around my house. Now that is what I call beginnings....what makes one think they have something to write about?  what makes me think I can write? what makes me create my first blog?

Soul...that's what!  That illusive voice that pushes you to ask yourself why..  That simply marvelous joy, bliss, seeing what was there all along....Soul.

I won't promise this will always be first rate prose or poetry.  And I will promise it will always be my soul travels.  The how, why, what and because of my journey from the 'not me' to the 'yes me'.  The journey from ego to an ego that is no longer in the driver seat.  Why? Because I am a Soul Traveler and I have a path that goes on forever!