It has been quiet from my voice or have I quit?
I have been absent in the sense of the expected. I have not been absent or quiet from the yearning, the learning, the living. Oh not at all!
Not being one who harbors unresolved explanations of the current situations to the extreme (HA what a mouth full) but one who tires others in my constant reflection (welcome to a Pisceans world), of how best to be, I must admit that the world carries on without us.
Like all of us I have been involved with the daily aspects of living. Gratitude abounds for the myriad of interactions in my day. Be it work, supporting clients, training for a 1/2 marathon, or the necessary gathering of food, bills, and housing, my day is often beset with distractions. Being fortunate that alone time makes up most of my day, I can reflect upon the different ways to enrich my life.
Growing up I would become overwhelmed quickly with any task that required complicated explanations of how to go about completing them. In other words, I would go TWILT with too much sensory overload. The simpler the explanation, the cleaner the directions, the quicker I accomplished the necessary steps and moved on. I was besieged in school with the label of 'lacks the ability to follow directions'. Perhaps to them but I got everything done. Maybe not how they viewed it should be but I completed the requirements none-the-less.
I had thoughts of quitting. Silencing my voice so I fit in the crowd. Giving in to the demands to do it their way to end the overload. What happened when I ventured to be just one-more female? It suffocated me and drove me to shrivel inside. It left me frantic. I spent more time away from people, taking my introvertism deeper. I wasn't happy and I began to dislike myself.
Without realizing it, I found ways to deflect the constant desire by the nun's and other adults for me to mold myself into their idea of how a young girl should be in the world. It took me many years to learn that outbursts, no matter the reason, were not allowed in school, home or church. I found my escape outdoors. Creativity was flush out there away from the demands of the 'adult' world. Over time I learned how and when to share my outbursts. Slowly I discovered my way of being in the world.
Did I set out purposely, with a 10-point plan to recreate my world as it existed? Can't say early on that I consciously did. Because I was young and I listened to the sweet quiet voice that still spoke to me, I found I could sometimes boldly stepped forward. When I couldn't hear the sweetness from my fear I became meek and frightened. Whatever the situation, I moved forward, I never quit moving often swallowing my fear but moving just the same. I might have been quiet, but there was a resoluteness to my daily step, a stubborn turn of my chin that rode on beside me bringing me to adulthood.
When you reflect upon your childhood, do you take the time to notice the courage, the desire, the divine spark that rested deep within you? Or do you only remember the 'good' times and the 'disappointing' times? Can you peak a little deeper into those moments? Are you willing to honestly see the mixture of wisdom and cavalier spite? Try not to dissect to the point of no return in your reflection. Do take the time to sift through the illusion of childhood. Upon closer inspection is great wisdom working beside you to develop your soul path?
We are not innocent bystanders in this journey. We are constantly co-creating for our higher good. Some of our creations we think may lack a bit of substance and appear to be better suited to the junk pile. Look closer! There is wisdom and empowerment in failure. Take time to deeply reflect upon your childhood memories. Yes there is sweetness but what else? Can you see the wise one deep within? Is what you remember after reflection useful today? Have you forgotten that the connection you felt so freely to your divinity as a child is still accessible? Can you bring that child's knowingness of their divinity to you today? Take a moment and go back to that time when you knew without a doubt and reconnect. Embrace you in that moment. Give them a seat at your table. Allow them to show you why they never doubted. Laugh with them and feed your divine spark.
The stubborn turn of my chin has been a cornerstone to my soul path. That stubborn marching child, refusing to give up her will, has walked me through many harrowing experiences, and allowed me to meet some of the most amazing souls this lifetime. I can guarantee you, she ain't going nowhere soon! How about you?
Oh the joys of ...Traveling on .....
Teri ~ The Soul Traveler