Fireside Chat with Crones - Suzanne Wigginton

There are those moments in time when what you imagine an event could be and what takes place do not disappoint.  Those are special times and are often marked by divinity's essence and blessing.

The Fireside Chat for October waited to appear until the end of the month.  The taping was originally scheduled for the evening of October 21 and that morning I rose knowing that there would be a need to reschedule.  I reached out to Suzanne offering flexibility and it was readily accepted.  Not concerned about moving it to the next week and sending supporting energy to Suzanne, I glanced at the calendar discovering that Mercury would not be going direct until Saturday, October 25, and giggled.  The Universe knows the normal computer challenges I still wrestle with in the creation of these chats and once again had interceded on our behalf.   I am not one to shy away from Mercury retrogrades and often welcome the opportunity to use that time to review and tweak my growth yet I do honor its placement in our lives and know it can be a trickster.

Arriving at our scheduled time the next week came with a lightness and no rushing in preparing for the chat.  The moment proceeded to descend into its slot with a very distinct flavor of beauty.  It is really hard to explain in words and yet this particular flavor of beauty is very present within the video.

Working and chatting with Suzanne has always brought both of us many moments of deep Ah-ha's and pivotal shifts for our individual lives.  It is a friendship that developed during our shamanic apprenticeship 3 years ago, blossomed on a trip to Ireland, and matured over many a night of giggling and honesty.  Reflecting as I write this, I really shouldn't have been surprised that the imagined exchange between us became a reality.

Our discussion reflects the steps we have taken into our crone years.  I, being baptized into my crone-hood several years ago and Suzanne just inching her way onto the crone path, both of us represent the higher request - to ignite the light for crones anywhere on their path, mentor those to come, and bring back into the world the beauty of the wisdom of the elders.

Reaching a 'certain age' one should have it all by then, have it all accomplished and as we chatted, .... "hope you have accomplished everything you set out to do...Well WHY???  I still have the magic and majesty of my Crone years now to create something else altogether if I choose to........ and that's a piece I think we are missing overall a piece we have lost."  

As women, we should all be cookie bakers and apron wearers but by who's standards?  Cookies and aprons are needed in the world as well as the Maxine's.  Life hasn't ended just because we are crones.

As long time crones, new crones, or just embarking, what is it we so want to accomplish before we depart? What is it that we can bring to this world that helps mentor all of us, all women, men, & children, past, present and future?  To know the magic of the world, to just be in it, is one of the many gifts the crone brings to the world.  To understand that we, as crones, come full circle and are back in the energy of the divine child is a much needed quality in this world.  What inner child dreams are whispering to you to come full circle and experience?  

There is so much depth in this chat!  I have so enjoyed listening over and over to the exchange of two women desiring to bring more into the world, bring to all who have experienced a disconnect to the empowerment of our later wisdom years. We don't have the answers but we are willing to ask the questions hoping to ignite the light in the darkness that has laid dormant for women generation after generation of the wisdom that comes from living our lives as fully as we can.  We ALL hold a piece for each other.  

I hope you enjoy this chat as much as we enjoyed creating it.  I am honored to have Suzanne be apart of this much bigger piece that the Universe is driving.

I welcome your comments, thoughts, and dreams.  Being a crone is about being you, the divine essence that is here now, asking to be given a voice, a signature that will add upon the light brightening this awesome aspect of life...... the final journey.  

And the journey continues ~ The Soul Traveler

Connect with Suzanne here ~ 

Website www.suzannewigginton.com

Email suzanne@suzannewigginton.com

Souls Aloft Radio www.blogtalkradio.com/suzannewigginton

FB  www.facebook.com/timeforyou

Fireside Chat with Crones - The Mythology of the Crone

Elli is the Norse Goddess of old age, who overcame the mighty Thor in a wrestling match.

So excited for the September video on Fireside Chat with Crones.  Jenn Poniatowski has joined me to chat about the mythology of the crone.  We laughed as we delved further into the crone presence which sometimes morphed to meet acceptable cultural demands yet has never completely gone.

Throughout history the crone has been present.  At one point she was said to 'eat children', remember Hansel & Gretel, always disfigured with all physical beauty gone she often sparked fear in young children and many women.  The crone as mythology speaks of courage, adaptability, and natural physical changes.  

"Crones are creator beings not just the death bringers.  They are midwives who helped birth the new & were there during the crossing over.  They were the midwives to the Other Worlds in both directions."  Jenn explains this wonderful role as we discuss bridging the gaps between generations and women as a whole.

The crone was honored throughout the world mythology.  It is only over time that the true stories and essence of the crone has been muted.  

I hope you enjoy our chat!  We certainly did!  Would love to hear your thoughts.

And the journey continues ......

The Soul Traveler

Back in the game ..... work game that is

My life is changing once again.  On a scale of 1-10 this is a change with which I am familiar so it ranks low on the scale.  I am so different now that this experience is being created from a deeper level, a shamanic level, a higher soul self, and a universal level.  This isn't a typical 8-5 existence anymore.  This is work on a soul level.  

As this knowledge and understanding was unveiling itself to me, in the midsts of confusion, doubts, and emotions, I journeyed to quell the storm that seemed to want to rise from deep within.  I wasn't looking to stop the storm I was looking for the direction through the midsts and to quiet the rushing sounds so I could hear the words that would soothe me.  It was a quick journey filled with trepidation as the fears mounted in my body only to be calmed by the warming embrace of the Universe as these words filled my head.  

"Your soul is after the growth not the money and Source will fill in where the money might appear to be thin. If your desire is to live from your soul then you need to feed it and trust that you have never been dropped. They need you as much as you will need them each day.  You are not to sit upon the mountain but to bring the mountain to them.  There is so much yet to be seen by your eyes, to be understood by your mind, to be felt by your body that will bring you deeper into your path, your Beingness.  You cannot perceive all that is about but you can perceive the depth of love present for you at this moment.  We understand the fretting, the human illusions where you co-exist, we know this is but part of being a human and we KNOW that your soul desires the ultimate expression and will not be denied.  Seek us to support your human needs and allow us to keep you in the present.  We know your human desires and we know that you have come to understand the deeper expression."  I left the journey with the first two sentences emblazoned upon tongue. 

I called and accepted employment with the Department of Developmental Disabilities for the state of Montana.  Employment that would not be meeting the minimum monthly amount for me to 'make ends meet'.  It was a $.25 an hour short. Yet it pulled me to it the first day of the interviews with the Tibetan Prayer flags adorning the reception room, the Ojo de Dios hanging in the front windows, the spontaneous laughter erupting during the interview, the truly 'casual' dress code, the honesty of needs, and yes there is great retirement and vacation benefits.  I accepted the position trusting the words I had heard spoken and within five minutes of the acceptance I was told of a 5% rate increase in November which took me above my minimum.  I laughed understanding that I do not see the entire picture.  I chortled knowing my guidance, the Universe and my soul were 'knuckle stamping' each other.  (Some may think I hold issues around money and that is not the case as I have always had exactly what I need when I need it.  I am a Pisces astrologically where money is not the ultimate desire and my numerology dictates monetary success so instinctually I balance.)

This is only a glimpse of the 3rd dimensional experience.  The capture of being present to the moment, understanding the capable aspects of Self, and willingness to trust unabashedly would reveal perceived hidden mapping of my journey.  This mapping lay hidden because I had yet to acquire all the tools to read the maps.  As I willingly dove deeper into my true essence, tools were revealed to help me read my changing maps.  Yes, there are many maps drawn for our journeys which are switched and changed based on decisions and non-decisions.  Just like maps for each state and the many countries on earth we are gifted with individual compact maps.  They are overlaid on our list of attainments adjusting as we peel and dive deeper.   Like the surveyor we adjust as the terrain changes.  

Early in my awakening, I wanted so much to no longer 'work' in the world.  Instead I desired spending my days in earnest pursuit of the deeper meanings of life and sharing those discoveries with others in workshops, in other words, sitting upon the mountain.  I tried several times leaving employment to build a practice and each time the funding dried up requiring me to return to the workplace.  Many hours have been spent in reflection seeking the 'reason' for not attaining enough financial support and non-fulfillment of my desires.  Casting doubts upon my abilities, yet seeing very clearly the impact my return to the world was having on those around me, I fretted and concluded I needed to just try harder to build a practice.  This thinking allowed the ego to implant the concept that I was not a fully realized soul if I couldn't build a practice outside of the standard employment.  

These last months of unemployment have sped quickly by taking me once again to the state of return.  There was no massive booming of a practice, there was a steady increase, a nourishing of soul, a clearing of patterns and the final realization that my soul path, my soul agreement, my most impactful place was in the work game.  It was there that the most seeds were planted, the deeper touching of soul to soul, the quiet shamanic support of community to be given, and where the Universe filled my soul path.  My ego was wrong.  I am a fully realized soul in each moment no matter if it is in standard employment or a private practice.  Shaking off the perceived 'right way' to be a spiritual being takes courage, clarity of truth, and a willingness to go against the flow.  Discarding this illusion creates freedom.

Not all of us get to leave the work world and build private practices.  Many of us are most impactful in the challenging world of constant human interaction.  We change the course of someone by being in an 8-5 job.  Having a human experience as a spiritual being entails living within the experience of non-awaken souls.  As you create the clients, the spiritual life you so deeply desire, being smack dab in the midst of the perceived chaos brings a wealth of empathy, compassion and an energetic signature of 'you know how they feel' that is invaluable and life changing.  Mother Teresa didn't sit in the convent and serve her community.  She lived among them.  The world needs all of us.  Those who are not in the world and those who are in the world.  Find value in where Spirit has you.  Go about knowing that by being you, the true and deep you, no matter what the scenery is, has value undiscovered and life-changing.  We can't all leave the world.  As you struggle within the environment of the workplace, seek the truth of the situation and trust that your soul is being fed and serving the greater whole.  Create a workplace without struggle, create a private practice within your corporate, non-profit, retail, or government job.

I no longer reflect in a wanting state of where I am going or why I am some where.  I reflect now on how I can show up as the true me.  Where is my ego still leading the way, why is this moment challenging, how can I best serve all of us, and what makes my heart sing?  These are the questions I review.  How life appears doesn't matter.  How life impacts does.  Rushing about creates chaos, walking softly blooms love, being present for every moment creates opportunity.

Taking the essence of being into the world of constant doing sets the ripples of change into motion.  Finding your practice within the world of employment leads everyone further along their soul path even when it appears otherwise.  We are not here to create scenarios.  We are here to feed our souls, uncover the illusion of separation, and walk the cosmic, divine, christed Essence into this lifetime.

If you are happy being you, you will be happy in any work you do.

And the journey continues.....

The Soul Traveler

Fireside Chat - Spiritual Equality

My guest, Evy O'Leary-Bennett, chatted with me on the subject of Spiritual Equality.  It was a welcome discussion with many eye-opening shares and fun-filled quips.

Spiritual equality is a subject we don't often discuss.  Looking at it from the impact it has in all aspects of our life enables us to move through our constraints bringing forward a communal way of living.  We are all experiencing being human.  We all have special gifts that blossom at different intervals.  

As we venture further down our path, taking time to reflect on spiritual equality will set into motion the change we all desire in the world.  Are we sharing our knowledge and ourselves to others in the manner of equality?  As teachers and mentors are we standing in equality with those we are supporting, holding them in an equal role allowing for those moments of shared student/teacher exchange?  As we are learning from others are we standing in our equality or are we taking the role of less than finding ourselves wanting to 'kill the teacher'? Are we viewing our shadow sides in equality?

We have come into this world, this lifetime, to remember who are truly are.  We may be further along the path in certain aspects from others but we are not the one who is wiser, more knowledgeable in all the many aspects of our journey.   We are all brilliant spiritual beings remembering, uncovering, and sharing our discoveries with the intent to support each other to becoming all that we are.  Because this is a collective endeavor holding each other in equality enables the ripples to move further and further encompassing many who might not be reached.  We are all both teacher and students in our journeys through this life.

Spending the August Fireside Chat with Evy in laughter and discovery broadened our relationship enriching both our reaches in our individual paths.  Our desire is to share with you our experience of spiritual equality. 

Would love to hear your views and experiences on spiritual equality.  Hope you enjoy our chat as much as we did!

The Soul Traveler ~

This is the August Fireside Chat with Evy O'Leary-Bennett. Our discussion focused on spiritual equality.

And so .....

As the months of 2014 ebb and flow to us, I realize that I have been on a 7 month journey of unemployment insurance that has drawn to an end.  

I know without a shadow of doubt that I am not the same woman who looked out into the world on November 27, 2013.  I cannot even remember who she was.  There is a tad bit of a memory of how she felt and an understanding of her story.  There is a deeper understanding of how the story dissolved, the realization of a stronger essence of her, and a willingness to feel into the moment and hold no expectation, no opinion of what is to be. 

Oh the journey was complete with wildness, back-ups, and delight.  It carried me to a place I had desired to hold deeply.  It carried me out into a jungle replete with tangles, rushing water, and mystery.  The adventure did not disappoint.  It has no ending.

I am truly blessed with the opportunity to focus solely on my path.  And these last 7 months allowed a deeper involvement into uncovering this path.  It enabled me to bring into my daily life a realization of how my path, even the search of it, was individualized from others. 

Through this time a stronger concise understanding of who I was, coupled with a releasing of old patterns and beliefs, balanced by acceptance of the value of illusion moved me into an empathy of self and my community.  The freedom to lay about, wander the mountain top, grovel in the frustrations, and epitomize standardization pushed me to turn and deny the existence of self; to die to myself as I had never imagined.

There has been a shamans death experience, a mystics evaporation, and yet what I was being asked for did not contain another level of these prerequisites to soul evolution.  I have experienced a burning to the ground, the severing of the leash, but I had not experienced the dying to myself.  The dying took place sudden with the realization of the ask, moved into flowing with the demands of daily life, and ended in an ancient ritual that almost seemed uneventful.  It was the forward motion after the dying that emphasized the Divine's request.  

Every time I looked to draw a frame of reference the screen was blank.  It wasn't just the screen of Future but the screen of Past that lay black and empty.  Only the place of Here and Now held any form or design.  Anything presenting itself to me was met with nothing but what I knew to be true for me.  Trying to decipher anything has been unsettling.

The unsettling is not in being unable to fit in or know the direction.  The unsettling is learning to walk completely within the present.  It is learning that where I once related in life with others is non-existent and non-essential.  It is non-identifying.  It cannot relate to me as much as I cannot relate to it.  In the midst of all of it, there is laughter, joy, tears, love, and a completeness.  A focus of all is finished within itself bringing with it a solid sense of self without identity.  

Spirit has said others have experienced this and many will join in the dying to themselves.  Everyone will be offered, not all will accept, and all will continue along their path.

Having words to express this past 9 months has been very difficult.  Having words to express this newest endeavor has been even more difficult.  It has not mattered that there are no words.  It does not matter if I ever climb the mountain top, it no longer matters what I hold dear, where I wander, who I meet or don't meet, how I show up to the world is all that matters.  Do I come with my heart open, my mind quiet, my eyes bright, my ears listening, and my tongue gentle? Do I come willing to share everything including the unacceptable?  Do I come each day willing to make it a good day to die?  Do I come prepared to return to the primordial juices?  Am I willing to live outside the perceived existence of all that matters?  Am I willing to be the ancient?  Am I willing to hold past, present, future completely within me?

These questions may seem to be those we all ask ourselves daily.  This time there is a very large difference in asking them.  We all know being who we truly are means living with hearts open, mind quiet, listening, no opinions, etc., and yet this is different.  

Dying to yourself means you cannot do anything else but show up as an unidentifiable person.  You cannot be You.  You can only Be.

The Soul Traveler

Fireside Chat with Crones

This came to me as a whim.  Little did I know that it was a serious request from Spirit and how well the subject would be accepted.  For me I have felt so often the need for a crone or elder wisdom keeper in my life.  Even now as I step further into my crone shoes I relish the time I have with other elders.  The joy, freedom, and community present is palpable and revealing of the quintessential gift from those times.  

I thought about how best to create a genre that would bring eldership and crones back out into the world for not only our youth but also for other crones & elders.  Creating a video series gave me the opportunity to show the physical and inner beauty of our Wisdom Keepers. Our American society focuses on youthfulness and often times considers women over 50 as "out to pasture" leaving a mark on the beauty of aging for only one sex - female.  We know as crones that it is the inner beauty that shines through and brings the gifts.  Now is the time to step forward proudly, with confidence and compassion, bringing back into our society the true gorgeous essence of the crone.  The world needs us now more than ever.  

I hope you enjoy these series of videos.  I know I enjoyed creating them, learning the technical side, and look forward to sharing the wisdom of the elders.  Each month I will feature a woman who exemplifies the wisdom crone.

Sit back grab a cup or glass of your favorite beverage and enjoy.  Feel free to comment below where we will interact with you.  Also, please visit us on Facebook at Fireside Chats: Wisdom Keepers

I would like to introduce Wendy Weatherwax who was gracious enough to be my first guest on Fireside Chat with Crones.  Please feel free to comment below.  Also visit our page on Facebook at Fireside Chats - Wisdom Keepers

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Shifting .... time

One wonderful gift I have, is shifting time.  Unaware of what I was doing for most of my youth, I would be amazed at the ability to move through a difficult time very quickly, stretch out in a marvelous moment, and change traffic signals.  It was the ability to change traffic signals that woke me up to my little gift.  Yes, those too long lingering stop lights especially when one is late to an event!  My first realization became a game very quickly.  Counting to 5 as I said out loud, "Change now" to watching the series of lights ahead in downtown Denver change with each planned blink of my eye as I never altered my speed developed a realization of the illusion I lived.  This playfulness became a salve to my road weary heart.  It taught me a wisdom I did not realize I had.  Time became my secret.  Time was my best friend.  Time allowed me to shape shift and led me to my soul path.  Well, actually, time is my path.  

It was in realizing the essence of time and the illusion we had created around it that I began to fulfill my desire to be who I truly was.  

In the moments that I believed I needed to fulfill the dreams of family, friends, society, I disconnected to my ability to shift time, my connection to my soul, and my heart became weary.  When I bought into the demands of those living within our perceived time constraints the only way to remove myself was to play with Time.  It was those moments caught in abusive turmoil that time became my ally.  I did not leave my body or disassociate from self when I remembered to shift into a time filled with the end.  I know this explanation borders on "psychological dissociation" but it is not.  I know when I created means by which to cope with the abuse.  I am referring to using time to alter the illusion and repair the wound.

A shaman using an altered state travels to the time and space of soul loss.  It is by shifting time that a shaman retrieves the lost soul piece and returns it to the client.  

So even in times of abuse or trauma, never having completely separated from any of my soul gifts especially the gift of shifting time, I was able to lessen the soul loss around these events.  I did not realize what I was capable of doing in the moment, it wasn't until later that this abilities deeper essence was revealed.

Because we are not broken and do not need to be fixed, we have always used our gifts to move through our life and experience those events and moments that will bring us back home to ourselves and the Divine.  It is when we use time that we can reflect upon our abilities to remember who we truly are.  Every one of us takes time to look "back" upon our lives to learn.  We may not do this consciously as in "Hey I want to see why I experienced this loss, abuse, trauma, reward, etc." but we do reflect every moment of every day.  As we are moving through traffic we are reflecting upon where we came from, we are looking to where we are going, and maintain a strong awareness of where we are.  We have to do this to drive our cars.

Do you honestly think you don't do this with everything in your life?  Come now be honest.  As your discussion with your partner escalates up or down are you not reviewing what got you here and how fast you can get to the other side?  

Guess what?  You just used Time to shift the moment at hand.  Now lets do it with a sense of deliberate outcome.  

As a shaman, I listen to your story, looking for the exact place in time where the soul loss that is impacting you now needs resolution.  That moment or time is suspended in a dimensional latitude that spins timelessly waiting for the impactful moment to collide and bring it forward to move your soul further along your path.  In an altered state or a time shift I journey to the moment moving through dimensions and time to retrieve and bring it to you.  Time is fluid.  As in a stream or ocean it moves continually upon itself creating and recreating.  It never begins nor ends.  It shifts us, itself, and eternity continually.  Collapsing upon itself it is giving birth to a never ending beginning.  Remembering, as we know it, allows time to lead us deeper into all that we are.  Grasping this concept even fleetingly without over thinking brings awareness.  The altered dimensional moment uses time to refocus and create.  It splinters the outcome across many realities shifting past, present, future, parallel lives and experiences simultaneously.

A simple game of change the traffic light becomes a catalyst for shifting realities.

What time game is waiting for you?

The journey continues ~

The Soul Traveler

The Lady of the River

I am a water baby at heart.  A Pisces that has been land-locked most of her life must take the time to really refuel with water.  Lately I have been craving a float in the fueling waters of this planet.  Just to sit and hear the movement, feel the caress, and absorb the nourishment for my soul.  Daily I walk upon the crust of Gaia grateful for the opportunity to commune with her and her creatures.  I love smelling the scents of the trees and grasses, glimpsing the wildlife and soaring with the bird tribe, and yet my soul is drawn to the water.

Today I gave in.

I loaded my pack with offerings.  I pulled one container of moon ceremony waters that raised its hand, gently securing it deep within my pack next to my favorite Hobbs.  Hobbs travels everywhere with me.  He is my tool of comfort for those who cannot find it.  Today Hobbs is joining me at the river.  Hobbs will bring the water medicine home for future use.

My first stop proved to be uninterested in fulfilling my request.  No worries.  Knowing this place would fill it for others I turned around to travel further down the road.  Spying a turnoff I made a sudden decision and turned left across the highway.  For 10 minutes I journeyed east towards the river and Poker Joe's fishing access.  Discovering only one car in the lot I pulled in placing my car squarely in the shade.  It was still early.  The sun travels slowly west this time of year leaving shade available for most of my planned time.

I followed the trail stepping around mud puddles moving further into the brush.  It was a well worn trail even indicating a quad-wheel had recently been through leaving scars in the deep grass.  It was quiet as I removed my sunglasses to see clearer.  Finally I came out into a clearing.  It was obviously the river had come this far in this spring.  Large trees littered the sandy rock filled ground before me.  The river still lay 500 feet further east.  Spotting the fisherman I turned away heading left picking my way toward the bank.  

Finding the edge where I wanted to settle I asked the river permission to join her for the day.  Quietly she meandered by beckoning me to sit for a conversation.  The breeze was strong enough to take the heat from the rocks, blowing away any chance of a candle or smudge, still leaving me refreshed and cleared.   

The remnants of moon-bathed chocolate cake came out to be sprinkled across her ripples in offering to the water sprites that danced.  Chuckling to myself I wondered if my activity would draw the trout away from the fisherman as I continued with my offerings of cedar, salt, and lavender.  Sensing something behind me I glanced up as a large blue heron graced the stark blue sky melding into the rhythm of the breeze.  Distracted in my thoughts to grab my phone, turning I ignored the request and watched her elegant flight.  Stillness settled as I felt drawn back to the river and her rhythm.  

With a sigh I released all my worries, aspirations, and plans to her as I called my guides and star family to this moment.  My body refreshed itself in the sounds of her lapping the shore carrying everything away. Trout jumped at the dragonflies skipping across enticing them in play.  I watched as an osprey soared carrying my dreams home.  

Closing my eyes the Spirit of the Bitterroot River glided across towards me.  She offered her wisdom.  Her deeper understanding of the part we each hold was gifted as I quietly poured my water offering into her depths.  Tears spilled sending ripples into her.  Slowly I stepped out into her allowing the washing and anointing.  My soul sang with each step.   As I returned to my spot a dark little frog hopped across my path a perfect gift to seal the moment.

Finally the river released me.  Packing to head home I heard the request to bring my drum next week so she could teach me a new song.  Be sure to bring lunch she said your body will need the nourishment.  Delighted I turned to leave.

Heading back across unfamiliar ground I made the choice to follow the call.  Soon I found myself watching the blue heron fishing.  As she elegantly stood in silence she stole a glance of me.  I swore she winked as I tiptoed closer.  This time I knew a photo was appropriate.  Clicking away I watched as she fished mesmerized by her beauty and presence.

Knowing it was time to return I found myself startled each time I startled the bird tribes hidden on the trail.  Laughing I heard the chatter of the black chipmunk above me as he warned those ahead.  I tried, unsuccessfully, to capture him.  He blended in the dark burnt bark of the trees.

Blessings abound for me.  I am constantly in awe at how Source gifts, loves, and teaches us.  Holding yourself in humility and love offers opportunities for simple affirmations of the grandeur of life.  I cherish this land and feel its calls deeply.  It is the waters that fill me with ancient memories.  They are very sacred to me.  Pouring my moon water back into her filled me with gratitude.  Humbly I realized how small I was compared to her, the Bitterroot River, and all the waters she represented.  I hold sacred my calling to care for these waters.  My part is small, this I know.  Yet each day I offer in prayer for the care of our waters supports the larger picture.

She wanders long and deep carrying our earliest memories and the truth of who we truly are.  One day she will bring us all home.

The Soul Traveler

After the Mist ....

For 5 days we have had rain and more rain and low clouds with the sun refusing to shine daily except for one bright Wednesday morning for exactly 2 hours followed by a deluge of rain for 24 hours.  This isn't a normal phenomenon here.  Yes, June can be a very rainy month but this isn't the Pacific NW and the sun generally rules the day.  

For me, the symbol searcher and metaphor masher, I found myself reflecting on this pattern for insight into the bigger picture.  Refusing to dwell on the obvious of "not more rain" coupled with the pouty "I want sunshine" I found myself investigating my true reaction to this turn of weather.  

Coupled with the Full Moon where I relished the release of what I perceived to be stumbling blocks I have been gifted with visitors to my humble abode.  This timing was perfect to help deflect any insights I felt would follow my full moon ceremony.  Spending time with friends is always motivating fun filled with opportunities to connect deeper.  It is also time that takes one out of your normal patterns and brings a smidgeon of chaos.  It is a time that asks you to connect on a deeper soul level with another human, another soul, another traveler bringing you to a new level of soul identity.

Sitting watching the mist swirl forth from my surroundings my soul nudged me to find my new soul identity and either claim it or not.  Could I really actualize and relish my new connections and identity?  Was I willing to leave behind a pattern of solitude?  Would this short time spent with others in my home and life open me to a better understanding?  Is the direction spent the last 7 months the only direction?

Garnering all my reflections, I realized soon I would be leaving the course of my life and embarking upon another direction, another journey that would lead me deeper into my soul identity.  This journey would include more interaction.  It would be filled with other soul travelers embarking on their new levels of identity.  My community was calling.  It was asking me to leave my pattern of solitude, my cave of reflection, and come forth out of the mist.

Was I up to this request?  Could I still set aside solitude, creation time, and be watchful of old patterning and denial?  As the mist moved up and out of my space I knew like it I was ready.  I could be the mist and its the aftermath, life.  

We are not defined by our patterns.  We are not defined by our friends, our body, our work, or our words.  Everything is fluid.  Everything is mist.  All life, all identity comes as mist and it is us who brings into the world.  We are the mist.  We form and swirl creating our life.  We are then asked to release and awaken into the light allowing it to feed us drawing us out of the separation.  It asks us to relish the time of the mist.  It asks us to be the time after the mist.

For me I know what time it is.  What about you?

xoxoxo

The Soul Traveler

Turning Points

Life is filled with so many turning points.  They can be driven by us and sometimes we perceive them to be thrown at us.  

Many years ago I stopped perceiving them as out of my control and sent by others.  I have also stopped using change, closure, and endings.  Those 3 simple words carry a heavy dose of societal fear.  I don't believe that the true essence of these words is fear.  No, we have created stories around these words that have driven us for many centuries deeper into fear.  

Turning points still hold an essence of movement forward, a grace of accomplishment, and a base of self creation.  This word carries an elegance of dance waiting to be performed.  It holds within it beauty, presence, and mystery.

This week holds a particular turning point for me.  This week I complete the final year of an apprenticeship.  Three years ago I was gifted a teacher to support me in unlocking a deeper sense of my true essence.  The first year was filled with an immersion into a grounded contemporary shamanic apprenticeship where I discovered a deeper understanding of my innate connection to this ancient modality blended with modern perspective and tools.  I relished in the guidance and unfoldment always excited for more.  The 2nd year was a practicum.  Although it was 4 months in actual interaction it did not come up short.  I was challenged to bring out into the world what my first year unlocked.  There were many days of struggle to create the essence of leaning into my style and signature.  Through it all was my teacher, Robin Rice, holding the space from a distance.  This year I was a gifted with helping her to support a group of apprentices under her guidance while continuing my learning.  Spanish immersion was the phrase used to describe the teaching, sharing, and growth.  It lived up to its title.  As the months unfolded it became very clear how expertly she had taken me from our first encounter, through the pathways, and back to my original teacher ~ Spirit.  I had come full circle in the spiral always moving up and forward.

The gratitude that flows as I reflect upon this journey will carry me deeper and further than I have gone.  I bow in honor of who she is to the world, to me and to herself.  A woman who has heard the call of her soul and answered time and time again.

In life we are gifted people who bring to us without question pieces of our essence and hold us as we unwrap and embrace them.  They stand holding no judgement of our choices and too long held stories.  Always patient they wrap us in our essence we, ourselves, have yet to discover.

With this turning point being held out in front of me, I step gently ready to continue forward, welcoming the adventure, and relishing those I will meet along the way.  I carry within me a deeper knowledge of our communal journeys, my commitment to my community, my delight in the mystery around me, and the courage to answer the call of my soul over and over again.  My life will be different.  It has no choice because I am different.  My life will be more.  I am more.  

Will a teacher cross my path again, perhaps?  

For now I embark upon a stronger knowing of my true essence bringing it out into the world, sharing all that is being asked by my soul and Spirit to continue giving to my community, family, and friends.

To Turning Points xoxo

The Soul Traveler

A New Day Dawning

Whoa what a whirlwind month April has been for me!  Writing, writing, and more writing was the focus and the call.  Words tumbling out faster than I could type.  Thoughts lost in the dark recesses of my mind wiggling their fingers in a call for me to follow. I celebrated the completion of one writing commitment and said good-bye to another support to my writing.  It felt right as I came to the end of April and looked out across the expanse lying before me.

Giving myself permission to not write for a week, I found more than rest from the drive but also a newness dawning.  My head felt dusty and fallow.  It became apparent to me that a refreshing approach was needed.  In my resistance to pausing I found myself chastising what I assumed was laziness and a return to old patterns of not finishing projects.  Fortunately I flushed those mean words down the drain and carried on.

What began to unfold was another call to creativity.  This call had been pushed far back into the corner to allow for the blogging and book writing to take center stage.  There was real reluctance on my part to bring something new forward and not stay to the course.  Finally in a true fit of stubbornness, I took pen to paper and allowed the creativity on another project to begin.  It was deafening the sounds pouring out into the open.  The artistic side sauntered through on an afternoon breeze and created deeper focus for my writing and design work.  It really surprised me.  Advice that had been given affirmed the value of my pause.

It is a tricky place pattern breaking.  Those ways that we think have kept us safe and sane, when called to task, leave reluctantly.  After much practice they design new ways of adjusting falsely.   Our minds are grand instruments and when paired with ego develop an ability to fine-tune themselves into exquisite works.   These works trick us into thinking they aren't tied to ego or old patterns dressed up in different attire.  It is important to take pause, listen, and use discernment to identify the trickster.  As you move further into oneness with soul you will know the difference in the illusion and your ego will do overtime.  As frustrating as this may seem you should welcome the experience.  The more you can identify how your ego shows up the more you can step further into your true self.  Ego will never completely leave nor do we want it.  It will however learn its place in your life which is awakening.  Stripping the illusion away, having no opinion of the illusion, and still being in the illusion are skills that will be acquired as you continue to walk upon your path.  

Now May is almost over.   The writing that has taken place for me has been insightful.  My main character in my book is back and refreshed.  She has given me more to write and spurs me to tell her tale.  There are other stories developing.   This excites me to know the well is not dry.  I have found joy again in my blogging and spring is officially here in my piece of the world.  I have learned more about who and how and care less about the why.  The discovery of a new pattern to wash down the drain brings another level to my path.  

There is a new day dawning.  It comes quietly, renewed and welcomed.  There is a new level to me.  It comes quietly, simply, and unabashedly.  I understand my writing and a deeper me.  They are intertwined and have no pause to be iconic.  They just are.  I believe there will always be new days dawning.  It won't just happen to me.  They are there for all of us.  Enjoy them!

~The Soul Traveler

Exceeding Expectations

Life is amazing!  

That wasn't always something I would say.  It has grown to be the first thing out of my mouth each morning...

Growing up I was fortunate every summer to visit the open farming country of Colorado.  I would leave the city shortly after school ending to stay for a month or two with my Grandmother.  She was a very strong willed, distant, bewildering woman.  She loved her chickens, tolerated the wild cat, lavished her roses, and basically accepted my presence.  I learned early to high tail it until she called.  I would go wild with discovery and solitude nourishing my weary soul.  My siblings did not understand my willingness to spend time with 'our cold grandmother' still they were glad to have one less asking for food and attention.  All I knew is being there exceeded my expectations.

My summer days were simple.  Morning would dawn with the crow of the rooster.  After a breakfast of cold cereal as I dressed, I would rush out the door desperately remembering too late not to slam the door.  If the door was slammed, I would tiptoe back, open it, then close it three times softly.  This was the required penance for slamming doors.  No matter how many times I came to visit my rush of excitement took precedence over quiet departures.  In muffled expectation I collected eggs, darting between pecks, smothering my giggles at the girls as Grandma called them.  Sailing high into the air I would make a game of watching them from my swing creating different scenes with each pass I filled my day designing events in their lives. 

Stark evening darkness is a magical place for me filled with wildness.   Sitting on the back porch watching the stars turn on one by one, hearing the footsteps of the night settle, and knowing as some were preparing for sleep others had just woke brought wonder and magic to my imagination.  Sailing across the sky I would visit distant planets calling one home chatting with my star family relishing their comfort and wisdom.  

Every summer well into high school I spent with my grandmother exceeded my expectations.  Those months kept my wildness alive.  Many events in my life were started because of my willingness to exceed my expectations.  I had no idea that was what I was creating.  Now I consciously come from that request.  

The first class I took when I woke up was how my thoughts create my world.  The teacher gave us affirmations to recite for various issues.  My first one, financial wealth, I felt was important.  I gleefully typed in a dollar amount.  This amount I felt covered my needs and some.  Within 4 years I was making that amount with one full time and two part time jobs.  Uncontrollable laughter erupted the minute I discovered how I had manifested my creation of financial abundance.  Something niggled at me that perhaps I might be amiss with my affirmations.  

As I sought to deepen my relationship to soul different ways to manifest crossed my path.  "I can't out give the Universe" shared by my shamanic teacher burst open my perceptions of abundance.  I sat with that statement for a very long time.  The pondering helped me to peel back the layers till I finally settled upon a simple mantra. 

~ Exceeds My Expectations  ~

I felt a breath of fresh air from no longer needing to cover all the angles that past practices of manifesting abundance required.  Knowing I didn't have to pour over the correct wording, the exact cadence to guarantee complete coverage of my requests I blossomed from the simplification.  Complication is a turn-off.  Simplicity resonates deep within me. 

Prayers now are requests for employment that exceeds my expectations, financial abundance that exceeds my expectations, and I think you get my drift.  This approach opens you and removes any limiting identity for fulfillment.  Trusting that the Universe will deliver what is yours to fulfill your needs will always exceed your expectations.  I no longer set limits to my learning, creating, or living because I am open to "I can't out give the Universe" 

My life Exceeds My Expectations... want to join me?

xoxoo The Soul Traveler

the big T ....

My life hasn't been much different from everyone else's.  It has stories that books are written about, yes, and yet those stories don't define me.  It is often hard for me to really recall all the emotion and drama of most of my life now.  What still comes up are the parts and pieces that I still cling to for identity.  I laughed at myself the other day as I sat for morning prayers begging for focus to continue writing on my book or just finish one of my many projects.  Looking up I noticed I had placed a heart shaped chalk board with the words, "I release my inability to focus to the Universe, love teri" as a tool to help me.  As I sat there totally frustrated, begging Brigid to help with inspiration, a flash of clarity zipped through my mind.  Duh!  Release!  I burst out laughing, threw my hands up, had a V8 moment and released.  Immediately I felt the difference.  I felt the release.  I stood up, bowed in gratitude, poured more coffee and began to write.  I finished two chapters, wrote my e-course, went to yoga, and still had 6 hours before bed. 

Asking for help and then getting out of the way is crucial.  It takes trust.  Trust in your beliefs.  Trust in you.  Trust that your ego doesn't run the show.  How many times have you found yourself asking for help and then hemmed and hawed over the help?  Do you allow your friends to help you?  Do you even ask for help?  What I see so often when a friend refuses to ask for help, is that they don't trust themselves.  I know that sounds odd.  Shouldn't it be they don't trust others?  No actually.  Trusting comes from you first.

Trusting others comes after you learn to trust yourself. 

Trust so often gets buried deep.  It is the first thing that gets challenged.  You can experience its lack the moment you are born or within the first years of your life.  As the veil draws down and your ego blossoms, trust disappears.  Forgetting who you are comes from losing trust. 

As my life unfolded and I journeyed through dark valleys what kept the fire burning to find a way through was my trust.  I trusted that it would end.  I trusted in finding help.  I trusted that the choice I had made would not kill me.  I trusted I KNEW the reason.

I trusted ME.  In trusting me I finally let go of needing a reason for anything in my life.  The ME I trusted was soul and its divine connection to Source.  When trusting others was dashed I trusted me.  I am not talking about pie in the sky trust.  Believe me I can feel when someone who should not be trusted walks into my space.  I have met many a person not worthy of trust.  I trust me and my ability to sense even those who are not to be trusted.  In this process I deepened my connection unfolding who I truly was in the process.

When I find myself conflicted I ask "are you trusting?"  Are you?

xoxox ~ The Soul Traveler

teetering and tottering .... the between season

The Spring Equinox was officially a happening a few days back and yet for so many places the burst and fanfare has not arrived.  If you are truthful there are signs that winter is giving way to spring.  Look around and truly see.

What is the power of these between seasons?  What can we learn from it?  Where can it take us?  In our rush to move from the introspection of winter to the burst of spring and trying out our new insights do we miss the opportunity of stretching into the dance?  If you were to pause for a time and lay out all your new sparkling insights what dance would unfold?

This winter has been filled with transitional insights for me.  I went from a 9-5-work week with spillover weekends filled to the brim to days devoid of any obligations.  I struggled with finding my rhythm in this cacophony of ideas.  Each day would bring with it a new insight of how I tick internally, what spiritual practice unlocked the deepest me, and which identity wasn't me.  After four full months I can say the Between Season, teetering and tottering is becoming a favorite.  

The long nights of winter gave me the opportunity to sit in the quiet dark space.  From there I watched the movie of what had been me for over 20+ years.  The movie had drama, crime, romance, and several comedic moments played by distinguished characters all with the same last name.  Several months were spent in the cutting room, deleting scenes no longer real, deflecting urges to keep the status quo, fights over keeping to the "real" story, and embracing the right to let go.  Soon the quiet dark space was lit and the urge to push through and move out into the world with what I knew took center stage.  Was it really time for this discovery to take the stage?  Was there still incubation to be done?  What about more of more?  

To be honest I love spring, the deep rich scents of life rebirthing, the starkness of winter being danced into light, songs bursting forth from the long silence and the lingering heat from a sun long dormant.

What I have discovered is there is another lesser known season, the Between Season.  It happens 4 times a year, slips by during the midst of much moaning and holds so many jewels.

I decided to pause, peak, and play with this Between Season.  What I found amazed me.  
Taking my sparkling insights I laid them all out in the morning sun that tangoed with the clouds. I watched as they began to morph into speckled blue eggs, dark brown seeds, and molten moss.  Guided by the natural flow of the snow and rain, I placed the seeds deep into the moss covering them with the eggs.  Opening the door a breeze came to tweak and ruffle these new insights, causing me to notice the seed dangling from beneath as an egg rolled precariously towards the edge.  At that moment I realized my rush to open the door to release my insights into the world was premature.  In my haste I would have lost an insight still needing time to find its place before embarking.  

The dark insightful spaces of winter allow us to gather, reflect and nurture ourselves.  It is not really a scary, unforgiving time.  Our ancestors used this time wisely drawing upon it for renewal, reflection, and a deeper connection to Source.  They did look forward to the springtime yet they knew it was best to not rush forward.  They used the Between Seasons.  We can use them.  As you find yourself drawn to toss away the extra blankets, heavy sweaters and reflective time ask if it is really time.  Does your sparkling insights need more discovery?  Are they ready to birth?  Can this longer sunlight shine upon another insight you missed?

Spring is a season of rebirth.  You cannot birth anything that you have not planted, nurtured and embraced.  Use this time to prepare the soil, nests, and you for the birthing that will soon come.  Give it permission to find its rhythm, releasing the identity to rush allows for deeper discovery.  Find the beauty in the simple tiny hint that transition is happening and will carry your insights to a full and brilliant life.  Ask with honesty what have you left back in the dark winter?  Is there yet another opportunity to revive a wildness and nurture it to full bloom?  Can your identity rebirth who you really are?

The Between Season asks us to pause, gather, quench and allow all that we have discovered in our winter reflection to find its own rhythm of birth and rebirth.  There will be time to rejoice in the first sprouts.  Be mindful.  Allow the pause, the between, the rhythm of the teeter totter.   Discover that who you are is the brilliance of spring.

xoxoxo ~ The Soul Traveler

On and On it goes .....

Winter this year seems to linger for so many past their comfort zone.  It seems to tease us with spring and then comes roaring in to cover us with a deep, stark presence.

I was never a big fan of winter.  Being small in stature I was continually cold and my restlessness grew explosive.  Maturing eventually brought with it the realization of winter fun.  Most often spent in the lodge because my logical brain, attached to a shivering body, could not rationalize the long boring waits in the lift lines only to speed downhill.  Of course my body won out over my minds thrill of the descent and winter became curling up with a good book.

As I woke up and realized the illusion of the seasons, the spirit of their essence, I learned to welcome and enjoy them eventually coming to be the observer.

Most of us know what winter represents.   The time for introspection and quiet inclusion of self becomes the focus.  We feed our bodies and our souls with warmth, wisdom, and pause yet looking for the end and the rebirth.  

How often do we really use this time?  Do we really rise each morning with the intent to seek the beauty in the starkness?  Or at the first sign of the sun does our hope for spring distract us from the gift of winter?  How often do you find yourself frozen in your search?

This winter in particular seems to be reluctant to usher in spring.  Its tentacles have reached deep into this country’s landscape and brought with it intent to freeze all movement.  Winter has shown us its strength and love for us.  What is it that we have not been willing to at look deep inside?  What part of us is frozen to beauty?  

Our folklore even shows us the value of using winter.  Punxsutawney gives us fair warning with a peek and duck.  Six more weeks of winter isn’t a punishment.  It is a gift that when opened leads to a rebirth.  Look around and notice.  The short days are not filled with darkness.  How often have you taken the time to step outside to see the light bouncing off the stark landscape from the elegant moonlight?  Do you hear the soft footsteps of the animals as they make their way?  Are your lungs filled with the crisp air striking out the staleness of your breath?  In the quietness can you hear wisdom calling?

What is in the darkness you are afraid to know?  There is nothing within so dark that the Divine refuses to love you.  Why do you hurry through the winter months?  What makes the quiet so threatening?  Before the invention of incandescent light our ancestors welcomed the winter. They knew its blessings.

For a moment let’s do what ifs.  Not being fond of them, as I believe what ifs are our feeble attempts to squash the Divine’s voice in us.  For just one moment though let’s make them a useful tool.

What if by your willingness to settle into the true essence of winter your spring exceeds your wildest expectations?  Would it be worth the introspection, the quietness that allows the wisdom to surface, the ability to see in the dark heightened? 

Would it?

xoxox

The Soul Traveler

Ahhh the feeling

It is snowing.... the hundredth time this month and February is the shorts month.  Go figure!

Jazz is playing in the background a hint of calypso to the piece as the snow swirls.  I am taken into the marriage of the two.  

As the notes swirl the fairy snow flirts.  First she lights delicately upon the rail beckoning the notes.  Moving closer the rhythm challenges the exchange.  She flits closer expecting the move.  The saxophone mellows as his courage strikes him deep.  His stance encourages him to welcome the fire.  She scurries across the expanse uncertain.  Joining the others she peaks at him with the deepest eyes.  Sensing his opportunity the sounds scatter reaching, drawing her into the dance of inclusion.  

As the crystal companions scurry on their way, she is left alone in decision.  The ultimate sacrifice, the moment of her beginning, the transmutation has called.  What will she decide?

No sympathy... just be

I honestly don't know how to begin or really why share what I am being asked to share.  

All of our lives are punctuated by moments that shape them.  They can be tragic, simple, moving, courageous and a myriad of other adverbs.  Having added shamanism to my modalities I truly believe that it is through releasing our stories that great healing and spiritual communion takes place.  I also know that the human species learns through stories that are shared.  My dilemma is about sharing one particular personal story.  

I am currently taking a writing intensive course to help push into the world a story I penned several years ago.  Stories need to be written and if they only touch one person it has accomplished its purpose.  I get that.  What is happening is a personal story is surfacing, one I verbally share when the need arises. It is a subject that has been written many times by other authors.  I personally am not in need of telling the story, yet the story keeps asking to be written.  

I am adding a disclaimer here - Please NO sympathy... just be with this raw and naked story.

The Matrix of the Heart -

May 4, 1999 was like no other day.  It was a day of reckoning, not just for me it would also be for everyone who had ever come in contact with me.  It did start unusual but not glaringly unusual.  I am getting ahead of myself so let me start over.

Once upon a time there lived a very beautiful, stubborn, independent young woman.  Oh she thought she understood the cruelty of the world and how to traverse through it so as not to get harmed.  Little did she know that soon her life would ask even more.  Into her life would come a screaming, demanding, carefree loving creature that would one day break her heart.

But before that happened there was much to take place.  

Yes you guessed it I am describing the younger me.  I really believed that I knew how to traverse the world, the world that had given me years of pain, confusion, and isolation during a time when most young women were trying on new dresses, new boyfriends, and new identities.  As soon as high school was over I leapt at the chance to get as far away from home, friends, and family to strike out on my own.  I succeeded by arriving in Albuquerque to start what I thought was to be a new life.  The new start lasted 2 years before all the pain that had been buried surfaced in the form of drugs and alcohol leading to the departure from New Mexico and the return to my beginnings.  Stubbornly I refused to seek help and once again traversed the highways for a new beginning.  Thank god I had a magnificent guardian angel that tweaked my trail to recovery. Leaving the bar scene behind literally, I found employment in banking taking me to an environment that required I sober up.  I excelled at the banking craft, found a wonderful man, and started to clear the fog from my eyes.  As so often happens moments come forward that forever alter our lives.  

One lovely winter day, as I stood in the dressing room with my mother, I made a remark on some physical changes I was experiencing.  My mother never even blinked.  Two months later I knew without a shadow of doubt what those physical changes meant. Yep you guessed it.

Before my son was born his father in the quiet of the night left me with the excuse he had not asked for this right now.  I cried for 3 nights exactly, begging to not be pregnant then quietly put his picture away and assumed the position of single mother.  I struggled to pay the rent and panicked over telling my boss I was pregnant.  Telling my parents was scary but nothing like telling a boss who held the ability to fire me.  This was pre-FMLA, not so long ago they could fire you for being single and pregnant.  I carried on.  It was a time of reflection, determination, and a strange connection was building deep within me.

Oh I remember the day he was born!  I adored this bundle.  The hushed whispers weren't hushed enough.  I heard the remarks of being an unwed mother. I felt the judgment.  I also firmly told the nurses if one more person asked me if I was going to give him up for adoption I would rip their heads off.  It was at that point that I finally was able to hold my son, not a couple of hours later but 6 hours later.  He was beautiful!!  He spoke to me and whispered thanks.  Together we walked out into the world ready to face anything it could serve us.

The first 5 months were pure hell.  He had colic and would not sleep.  I had a job that required I show up rested or once again they could fire me.  His father reappeared asking to see his son, apologized, and then broached the subject of his return.  I agreed, said my peace and he became the nanny until he went overseas.  Stories could be told of those months, funny stories but those are his stories not mine to share. His father stayed 18 months and once again my son and I were alone.   

We spent the next 4 years alone together.  It was not all ice cream and cake.  I wasn’t particularly the Martha Stewart of Motherhood.  I loved him and parented the best I knew how.  We giggled, we cried, we yelled, a lot of yelling, we moved, we talked, we read, we lived and knew each other like no one else knew us.  Again changed entered our life. 

Thinking that we needed to add a father into the dynamics  I remarried.  We welcomed him and his children into our life.  This was a whole other ball game, a game that really needed help.  It lasted for 9 years until finally I came home and called it quits.  I left because my son was changing from a caring, loving boy into a bigoted, uncaring robot.  I was responsible for instilling love and care into him and could not stand by as a witness to what he was becoming. 

We left in a cloud of destruction.  It was a very nasty time that blew up any false images I had been hanging on to about myself.  It was the moment we had both been marking time for.

My son and I spent the next 5 years reconnecting and growing.  They were times of mud slinging, blaming, crying, and a return to home.  This time was so welcomed by us both!  We could breath once again.  I left behind everything I thought was true about myself.  I walked straight into a spiritual communion with my soul.  My son walked right beside me discovering who he truly was and what all this had been about. 

For the first time without all the baggage, I watched my son excel and become this incredibly wise man.  We would have deep spiritual discussions of why, how, what, and just because.  He mirrored to me how my ego would interfere with my perceptions.  He taught me how words could change realities and he helped clarified for us why we danced this dance.  I remember having a discussion with him about soul mates and arguing the difference between soul mates and soul partners.  He said to me, “these are just words and labeling used by us to remain in the old paradigm.  There is no difference between the words.   Every person you come into contact is your soul mate/partner.  If we choose, these interactions will offer a deep intimacy.  We get confused and think the intimacy we feel with a soul mate should lead to sex because sex has been our tool to this intimacy.  The common form of sex, the way we use it, is the ego’s use of illusion and deception.’   And his favorite, ‘get over yourself, there are a billion other you’s out there struggling with the same questions, believing the same illusions’. 

I loved those nights of deep discussion and sharing. I relaxed the mother role, welcomed him into a new relationship of being the adult I had seen he would one day become and mentored him as he stepped into his dreams.

Together we woke to a morning that would forever punctuate our lives.  It was a normal early day in May but it wasn’t completely normal.  He struggled with waking up and starting his day.  My appointments for the day had changed twice before 9am. 

The night before we had stayed up late just chatting.  The conversation found itself heading into a baring of our souls to each other.  I apologized to him for not being the mother who could go a day without yelling and keeping his younger years stable.  I told him I was so very proud of him and that the man he was would be an incredible husband and father.  I laughed with him about my sometimes over-the-top stubborn insistence on respecting all women and fighting the good fight.  I told him I loved him the minute I found out I was pregnant through all the years and especially now.  He told me he understood I did the best I could and that he always knew that I would be there for him.  He told me he loved me.  I gave him my blessing to follow his own drummer. We finished the night with a hug and kiss. 

Having this memory of that night would support me through the days and years to come.

At 10:30am on May 4, 1999 I would receive a call that would insure I would never remain the same.  I could recite to you the call, the drive, the scene but I don’t want your sympathy.  What I want is to share with you how the matrix of the heart works.  I admit it has taken me many paragraphs to get to this part.  The words have been condensed considering they cover 21 years.  I wanted to show the pattern of our life together.  The pattern that can never be undone nor redone.  They are years that brought my son and I to a departure.  A departure I would not wish on anyone.  It was divinely orchestrated and held wisdom of the ages, deep eternal love, and required me to truly become who I really am. 

The Matrix of the Heart is how I survived my son’s death.  Yes, at first it was survival.  I hated everyone who had a child. I hated myself for being such a shitty mom.  I hated Josh for leaving.  I especially hated God and all his guardian angels.  I hated life.  At the same time I pleaded with God, the Divine, the Universe to take me back to the exact moment when I arrived at the accident and heard the choir of angels welcoming my Josh home.  I wanted to remain forever in their Grace.  I wanted to remain where I could see Josh walking towards the light, towards the love that knocked me off my feet.  I wanted to go where he went. 

Instead I heard his voice call out to me at night telling me he was ok.  Telling me I had promises to fulfill and reminding me of the discussions we had that were to be shared with others.  In my darkest minute a phone would ring and a stalwart friend would bring me back to the present.  Through my dear friends Josh would speak to me.  They shared with me the way I would always know he was near; the penny which would appear out of nowhere.  They sent emails describing him showing up to ride with them on long trips or sit with them as they moved through their own dark nights.

My heart was shattered into oblivion, ached deeply and constantly.  I found myself alone in my grief.  I questioned my sanity. I prayed, begging God to bring him back knowing full well it would never happen.  I gave myself permission for the very first time in my life to sit with all the pain, the pain of being human.  In sitting with all the pain, I found myself.  I glimpsed the light that would bring me out of the dark.  I did not know nor did I care what my life would become.  I just sat in my pain refusing to build a story around it, allowing it to heal.  I allowed the pain to mend my shattered heart. 

My heart healed because I believed that the love I had for my son could never be destroyed.  I knew that his heart and mine, his heart and those he met, my heart and those I met were deeply entwined never to be broken.  No one could ever take that away from me.  I knew God would never ask me to give up Love.  It was through truly loving that I would live again.

No one except someone who has also lost a child could ever understand this moment in my life.  I did not ask anyone to join me there.  I did seek someone to listen as I wailed and grieved.  I found that someone, those someone’s and I know there were times when they felt helpless and tired of hearing the same song.  They never refused to listen.

I know everything leading up to May 1999 prepared me for his death.  My longing to be understood and loved prepared me.  The innate knowing of something deeper than the world I saw outside my window sustained me.  My stubbornness drove me to push through the pain, confusion and helped me not to give up.  The real piece that allowed me to believe in the light, believe in myself, believe that nothing was ever in vain was my awakening to my soul and Spirit.  It was those early years when I first embraced my true essence that brought me through to share my heart. 

There were times when I was carried by my soul. 

It is not for us to know what lies ahead.  It is for us to trust that we have within us the tools to walk our path.  Our lives are not defined by our stories.  They are only punctuated by the moment.  It is when we allow our stories to direct who we are and where we are going that we are lost from the intimacy of Spirit.  No one can ever walk your path for you.  They can and will walk beside you creating a matrix that gives freely.  The matrix can support you during the punctuated moments.  It will help you to loose the story.  It works because the matrix is the true essence of Spirit, of our souls.  It is up to you what you do with the gift of the matrix.    

I know what I did with the Matrix of the Heart. 

xoxoxo

The Soul Traveler and Josh

Enclosure - A recipe for ....

All about me is the hustle and bustle of discovery, the request for insight, the clamoring for more and yet I find myself incased today in clouds.  Thick clouds that hold, not suffocate that welcome not introspection but inclusion and blanket the trees in an ethereal busyness.  

The busyness isn't the hustle bustle that lives outside this space.  It is the business of creation.  The creation of what is to come.  A recipe sits dangling from the outstretched arms of the birch moving precariously in anticipation of what might be hidden within the clouds.  The pines stand as sentinels to the meandering of the soup witness to the regal ingredients as they march one by one towards their destination.  Each ingredient carries its key to the final creation.  There is a dab of whispering, a 1/4 cup of anticipation, never too much for that could spoil the final product, 1 cup of inspiration lightly warmed, 2 cups of wisdom sifted twice, 1/2 cup of joy, 2/3 cup of ancestral juice, and 2 Tbs. of valor.  The rowan holds out its cauldron for each to find their place within.  Slowly the Spirit of the Clouds begins to swirl the ingredients singing ever so softly lulling them into collaboration.  Placing them within the enclosure what is thought to be the door is slowly closed.

Raven alights upon the enclosure standing guard awaiting direction.  Soon he is joined by a flicker and more ravens.  The murder begin to dance upon the enclosure to the beat of flicker as she moves first down one side and then the other.  Abruptly the murder departs leaving the enclosure unguarded.  From the distance a parting of the clouds is detected.  It appears that the parting is moving through the clouds approaching the enclosure.  Stillness comes as what breath is present leaves.  Squirrel takes a gallant leap towards the enclosure and misses landing abruptly just beneath.  In dazed realization, squirrel scurries off.  The parting now reaches out towards the enclosure.  Wrapping it deep within itself it removes it from the rowan branches.  Gliding forward I watch from the corner of my eye, wondering what brings this cauldron to me.  Taking my seat upon the floor I notice that the parting is not a stranger.  No this parting I recognize.  I have spent many a day, many an hour, and dare I say many a minute with this parting.  What I think to be a parting is really my soul bringing back to me the recipe that has been deep within and is not a stranger to me.  A recipe that warms and delights.  

With a squeal of glee, I accept this cauldron of creation brought to me by my soul.  I honor this gift through ritual and whisper my love of thanks.  

xxoo

The Soul Traveler

Uncovering next steps

The other day I reflected on the changes going on in my life and how I use simple rituals to move through the fears.  I also spoke about several online classes I took in preparation for moving my dreams, my passions forward.  Those classes brought with them their own set of fears, needs, and ah ha moments.  

Life has always brought to me many of the same concerns, fears, and needs that others experience.  And to some it seems like I am just sailing down the river…  well shit sherlock not always true.  I have acquired a keen sense of what can ail me in certain junctions or scenarios.  I acquired this sense by really spending time getting to know my still small voice - My Soul.  

The writing class I am taking has a piece of daily work called morning pages.  It is really the trash can where all those thoughts, lies, negative beliefs go so that the real creativity floats to the top.  Well what also shows up for the trash can are those moments in your life where you may have had soul loss.  And on one day this week up sprang the imagine of me trying desperately to spit out an A&W order I wanted to place.  Now I am not 8 years old placing this order, I am a licensed teenage driver.  I discovered a profound fear of talking into mechanical devices when I needed to acquire a service, advise, find information or just plan order a burger during puberty.  I was deathly afraid of calling someone and appearing like I did not know what I was talking about or how to ask a question of them.  This then led to a fear of talking into the speaker to acquire a simple lunch order.  If I was talking directly to the person,,,,,, not one bit of fear.  I eventually worked through the fear without the help of my laughing brothers but apparently something was still there.  

This fear still was lying deep within my psyche.  Is it really a fear of "oh my god I have to talk to a stranger"?  Hell no there isn't a stranger in my life. It is really the fear of not being able to physically see what they think of me.  Sounds silly, I know.  But a serious block to creativity and …. shit life for that matter!

For those who know me, there is so very little I am not willing to do.  I quit a well paying job and moved to follow my dreams, train people, hold workshops, offer one/one sessions, work customer service like it has never been worked, and generally know exactly how to welcome and ease others into pretty scary places.  You see back then it wasn't the fear of the unknown it was the fear of showing how much I may not know and being laughed at… something I am sure most of us have experienced.  Growing up in a very competitive home with expectations of being brighter than your sibling for someone sensitive built many defenses, fears, and blocks.  So now this piece that I thought had been covered in previous deep work is up front and center asking me to see it.  

Being a shamanic practitioner I looked to see if it would require deep work and surprisingly I found that the deep work had been done.  What was needed was an embracing and welcoming of this young woman.  This young woman needed a voice and recognition of her sensitivity and needs.  Puberty brings with it so many changes that can baffle and challenge you.   Having no where to go or no one to seek guidance adds layers that eventually need to be cleared.   All the prior healing work I had done and the deep relationship with my soul combined with a bloodhounds nose, I can quickly and smoothly recognize the issue, source the solution, embrace it, and welcome the next adventure.  Traveling through my life with my soul leading brings balance, joy, fulfillment and awe.  The ingredients to a stellar life where the right answers aren't needed.

I gave this young woman a voice with my morning pages. I gave her an embrace and told her there was no reason to know everything.  I told her how what I knew I knew with all my heart and this life isn't a test to see who comes out with the most A's.  My life is about joy, experience, heart, and fun.  I told her the race never ends until our last breath so whatever we want to learn we have plenty of time.  Embracing her I assured her there is no shame in not knowing the answer.  And finally I told her the joy is in discovering the question.  And then ….. she talked…..

The Soul Traveler

Chchchanges…….

I was laid off from my main employment just before Thanksgiving.  Now don't feel all-sorry for me… the Holidays still happened, I still ate too much sugar, and had presents to unwrap!  It actually turned out to be a good time because no one was hiring, so no applications to fill out, hence no stress, and I really gave myself permission to stop doing what I had been doing for most of my life - Helping other people create and live their dreams.

I decided to take the month of December and not do ANYTHING of real purpose.  I have to laugh now as every thing I did that month was of real purpose; all the late nights, the naps, the sleeping in, the wandering around town, the reshuffling of rooms, the reshuffling of a huge pattern of life that no longer suited me.  I wrestled with returning to school for a 'better' more useful BS.  I struggled with how much do I sell off.  But mostly the glaring piece I wrestled with was how do I lead my life with what I love.  Ironically in mid January, a mentor and friend, Robin Rice had gifted me a post card with that exact phrase, "Lead With What You Love" in my beauty box for the HWPB course.  

But before I could lead I had to remember what it was that I truly loved!   I had to dismantle the pieces of the pattern I had used to maintain a life.  It wasn't a bad life at all.  I was happy, I had a position that afforded me the means to travel, keep a comfortable home, pay bills and otherwise be a productive citizen.  I wasn't in love with my position and in all honesty I was so burned out I looked like burnt toast.  

I had some incredibly awesome clients that added fuel to my soul, I was in an apprenticeship that fed and challenged me, part of a meditation group, and I had just recently launched a fantastic website that put me and what I love to do out into the world!  So I had an idea of what I loved - Well honestly I KNEW what I loved.  I just didn't know how to let it lead me into abundance and creating my dreams.  

I had lost sight of my dreams on the day I decided to leave Star Haven Mountain Retreat in 1999.  I left for a myriad of reasons and the final nail was the death of my son.  As I moved through my grief it was Star Haven, the people it brought, and what I had created for others and myself that carried me forward every single day.  Star Haven had been a vision I was shown one winter afternoon in Loveland Colorado as I journeyed and conversed with the Universe. It was a vision that fueled my weary bones and brought me to the realization that I could create something tangible.  I remember at my son's sending off ceremony, the number of people present after only being in the area for about year warmed me and sustained me over some very dark and cloudy days.  But it was these memories that never carried any pain, that would push me and push me to another deeper level of understanding and acceptance of all that life has to offer.  Yet, here I was facing another curve in the road, and I couldn't lay claim to my dream and how to lead with what I love.

Fortunately, I have a strong relationship with my soul and the Universe.  And fortunately, they all have the patience of Job!

There was some teeth gnawing this go around as I asked, reshuffled, refused, and pretty much was a true Muggle in reclaiming my dreams.  I finally tossed away all the "expected" responses and went with my new rituals!

I took advantage of the full & new moons, the Solstice, the New Year "resolutions" (which I personally don't do), the acquiring of a Muse and the constant urgings of a new group of star beings.  For the new moon in December I asked for a new dream and those to help me to be shown to me and carried that request forward to January since as far as I could tell nothing had been revealed.  For the Solstice, Maeve and all my ancestors showed up across the veil from me with lanterns, candles, and torches telling me they would help to light the way, oh and yeah to kick my Irish ass for being so thick….  

For the full moon in December I released my fear of success, my incessant desire to run the show, and my belief that I was too late to the game.  And in January, I released new items because there was no need to release again those items in December.  I can say those no longer weigh me down. Yes!!  

Brigid became my muse for the creative blocks that were plaguing me and each morning I light a candle to her asking for her inspiration to move forward towards my creations.  Not surprising I was lead to three on-line classes that would help me to not only rediscover my dream but also to bring new tools.  

For the New Year, since I am not a 'resolutioner', I was gifted with a client that day to really anchor in the energetic intent for 2014.  The client was not planned and sprang from the dawning of a new year.  I felt elated to know that supporting the empowerment of others - my joy - would be the first item of business for the new year.  After the session, I spent time in ritual to give thanks for the client and the setting of intent securely into 2014.

And then the work started……. still not really knowing what I was to lead with but assuming it was geared around virtual work, I signed up for a course with Seth Godin on creating my own 7-part leverage plan and one with Jacob Nordby for unblocking my writing.  Well lets just say, shit, damn, and ruckus!  The course with Seth forced me to own my dream again.  The writing course????  Well those long dormant simple wishes came screaming out of the daily morning pages.  

I have in 7 days designed a business model for 3Rivers Holistic an integrative center, written my first full poem in 43 years, finished my first fire element medicine bag, and begun work on my star soul oracle cards.

The feeling of knowing me again is renewing.  In the midst of all the accepted patterns of life I had hidden away the woman who dreams!  I can feel the stability of me underneath my feet, I can see the lanterns light the way ahead, and I know that divine inspiration flows through me once again.  The cork has been removed and the bubbles sparkle as they join me in my travels.  I also know that those items I have completed are opening the gates to allow for the flooding of my e-courses and online offerings.

Life is about changes.  It is how we discover more about the Universe and ourselves.  By using ritual I was able to unveil my dreams once again.  Through ritual I was able to get out of the way and allow Spirit to work through me.  As the saying goes, I couldn't see the forest for the trees and once I started using ritual the sleep was removed from my eyes.  I have a heart shaped chalkboard over my altar and written on it since November 27 is - I release my work to the Universe.  The chalkboard in my career corner says -  I am a successful and prolific writer!  Ritual at work again for my future.  

As we grow deeper in our spirituality layer after layer is removed and the levels of fear, stubbornness and other beliefs we hold become less prevalent in our life.  Because we are a spiritual being having a human experience those layers become less, yes, but they never truly disappear. These layers, these experiences are what make up our life.  Yes, we become more fluid in finding the tool to release the sticky stuck layers and discover those tools quicker but until we have our closing ceremony on the celebration called Life we will always be peeling away our layers.  Through ritual we can discover what layer to remove, which tool to use and the most enriching manner for removal.

Here's to changes and life!!

The Soul Traveler