Sometimes ...

It has been a while since I have felt strong enough to write, not because I have been sick or frightened. Lately so much has been asked of me to contemplate, resolve, experience, rebuild, create oh hell just to be!

I often run from what Spirit asks of me.  Oh yeah, I do.  It becomes a game of hide and seek, you know that one we learned to perfection as children.  Little did we know it had a bigger purpose. HA!

It wasn't yesterday that I started on this journey of living my life how I wanted to live it.  Oh no, I have done tons and I mean tons of work on healing the wounding that took place in my 'growing up years' and even to today.  Yet I always knew that as damaged as society tried to make me think I was, I wasn't .... LOL not even.

One could go on about damage and loving yourself.  I could tell you stories that would raise your eyebrows but why?  We all hold stories of damage but we seldom share stories of recover of self. Why don't we?  No one comes out of this life not having experienced collateral damage. No one!  And all of us can discover our true self and the deep divine love held within that discovery.

We all can leave this lifetime with the understanding of and living from our true self.  I am not like you however I am exactly like you.  You bleed, I bleed. You cry, I cry. You get angry, I can get angry. I laugh, you laugh. I need, you need.  I am you, you are me!

Sometimes we are each other ~ laughing and crying. In our hurry to just Be, we forget to stop and let go.  We forget to see the other person.  Our reluctance to embrace self-love, self-acceptance, and self-nurturing builds a world around us that reflects the wounding from believing others opinions. From not believing in our ability to love and be the divinity we relish our world pains us.  

We are all gifted to understand the inner workings of the magic of life yet often we forget to see, hear, and reach out to those who know our value.  Inside there is an urging that says I am you, You are me!

On February 26, 2016, I turned 63 years old and at exactly 4:16pm MST I was gifted another birth certificate that said, "Congratulations you are an Irish citizen."  Think about it.

I am you reborn, You are me reborn.  There is always time for rebirth.

Let's celebrate!

Traveling on ~

The Soul Traveler

Warriors Cry Real Tears ..... Too

It is my walks in nature where I find my inspiration.  I don't think I am alone in this occurring.  We all have those times when we really let go of our daily grind.  Nature just seems to be the perfect 'spot' for it all to slip away.

Recently I was struck by a thought that sprang to mind as I wandered away from the maddening football crowd.  The noise drifted further and further leaving me present to the dusty trail and the minuscule amount of others joining me.  Contemplating on the gorgeous blue skyline with its wisps of promising clouds the thought of how my years of overwhelming sensitivity had awakened this fierce fortitude kept pushing at me to not be ignored.  This unwavering ability to reach deep into the darkest depths of others lives, soul loss, and pain.  How the fortitude had supported me in finding the strength to heal my darker wounds, releasing this amazing Joan of Arc aspect.  This Kali fire that had laid hidden deep now fueled my very being.  Somehow I had become the warrior I was destined to be this lifetime.  

Early on this extreme sensitivity laid me open for all to see, to be trampled on, to suck me dry energetically, it became a constant burden yet I could not discard it upon the heap and walk away.  As I walked through this life I was reminded daily by others that I wore my heart on my sleeve, to stop the crying for god sake, suck it up, and the best one was, "Oh here we go again," echoed through my head.  I could barely stomach large crowds still not my favorite without gobs of protection.  I didn't get sick or have a headache instead I grew restless, fidgety, a claustrophobic fence grew around me and I would dart.  Often I remained outside by myself literally and figuratively.  I would play with the neighborhood children but only when I wanted and always with an escape route.  Somehow I knew if I was ever cornered or someone I cared about was bullied, I would come out swinging.  

I liked being around people.  It was what occurred that drove me crazy.  It was the pain I felt from them, the cries for help, the wounded soul that begged me to listen.  I didn't know how to protect myself.  Still I helped, oh yes, I helped.  I listened, encouraged, walked them to solutions, laughed making them see the funny side, and then I went home tired and drained.  I carried all the wounding on my shoulders and in my heart.  I became their little angel.  I grew tired and aged past my years.

Overtime I learned how to protect myself.  I relinquished their burdens and stopped carrying them.  I discovered how to help them help themselves.  The turning point was when I finally embraced that I was a warrior.  Finding the finesse of the soul sword and how to deftly wield it on behalf of others broke the crack wide open on my extreme sensitivity.  Most who know me now have a hard time seeing me as the sensitive introvert.  What is apparent to them is my ability to kick ass and take names, my gregarious ways, and pull to have deep conversations.  If they look closely they will see the quiet one watching all the interchanges, feeling the ebb and flow of the energy, seeing the real story, and listening very closely ~ the warrior at work.

As we have lived our lives in the company of others we begin to perceive ourselves through their eyes.  We forget how to decipher the light + dark sides of our essence.  We mistake for instance our gregarious nature as a conflict to our desire for solitude.  We don't see either of them as pluses in our relating to others.  We think of them as a battleground for fitting in.  When we tweak our view just a bit our solitude becomes the place for figuring out what our gregarious nature just learned.  Why the person we just met is hurting deep within.  The person whose presence is pulling our energy away creating headaches, or sickness, or claustrophobia; the physical manifestations of a very sensitive introvert.  

We are not being asked to fix or lay down any aspect of our true soul nature.  It is up to us though to configure those aspects and find a home place for our sensitivity and desire for aloneness.  These are gifts and like all gifts sometimes their brilliance hurts our human eyes.  Remember it is okay to wear sunglasses inside.

We all know spiritual warriors and for many of us our soul song line is the warrior path.  It is expected that the warrior will stand and face the music for the tribe.  They travel into the depths of despair battling for our soul pieces and protecting the Truth.  Swords of valor, eyes of steel, and hearts all encompassing become the warrior creed for all who walk this soul song line.  

There is a piece seldom shown except in introverted moments.  It is what becomes the badge of courage.

 

Spiritual warriors cry real tears...... Too

Traveling on...... The Soul Traveler xoxo

Eventually You Have to Go Back and Get it ................ and other musings

At the ancient age of 6 I would wander outdoors early and not return until hunger struck me down.  There was far too many familiar faces often hidden from others for me to visit and chat with to endure the indoors and siblings.  I would build replicas of ancient cities in the sandbox chatting to the multitudes that filled the houses, creating soups and brews from the plants and feathers around me making sure to offer them to the sky above, my dog, and those living in places far, far away.  Some days I could be found squawking out a tune in my squeaky voice of lost love and home long missed, crafting necklaces of seeds, feathers, and hollowed bones, leaving a very pretty plate when my dinner bell sounded for those who would be passing through.

Occasionally my pesky brother would come to chide me it was time to give it all up.  "What you are doing, he said, is never going to work here."  Let's climb the trees I begged at least we can get closer and perhaps they will hear us.  In solidarity for his crazy sister, we climbed higher and higher into the trees.  The fun eventually turned to spying on the people in the passing cars and our other siblings sent to find us.  

My nighttime dreams were filled with places not known here and starred me as a Joan of Arc Star Faery come to help.  I would wished that Peter Pan would arrive and take me back to his Tinkerbell except there was a BIG thing wrong with her.  Star Faeries don't look like her nor do they flitter around aimlessly.  I was after all only a silly 6 year old with a vivid imagination.

Since mid June I have been experiencing a heavy dose of what I call 'the crabbies'.  You know those small irritations that surface to prick at your sanity and your peace like the driver going the speed limit after 5pm?  I am not one to dismiss any disruption to my daily nirvana.  My hip, lower back and pelvis had decided to hold a grand flair up in my honor which signaled ~ the storm is about to hit!  I hit the airwaves to search for insight.  The body needed to be heard after 40 years of carrying a long hidden pain, my mind needed a distraction to allow for the story to be told, my emotions needed expression but not during rush hour, for god sake, and really I needed to blend, meld, brew all that ancient wisdom I once relished in back up to the surface and come full circle.  Time for the full Joan of Arc Star Faery to come out to stay, not the half assed 'almost' me.

Relying on proven traditional awakening techniques I struggled to make the meld permanent.  I made headway for sure and saw the twinkling of long hidden knowledge but it would not come up, stay, and pour forth.  I knew there was an issue that I needed support in clearing.  It was an issue that wasn't responding to my usual support network.  Feeling the 'need' to go home I knew this was a quantum leap coming to the surface.  No longer satisfied with my usual tools, I found myself pushing to make that long overdue sacred connection.

Reaching out to my divine star connection, tears filling my sacred eyes, I asked to be gifted the tool that would take me back to the treasure trove of my sacred ancient wisdom.  The wisdom held securely by a small delicate 6-year old girl who knew that anything crossing her path was sacred, loving, and in need of their own remembering, the wisdom that may not free this planet completely but it would offer care, nourishment, and a recognition of the elegance of the human heart.  And not just a little bit of that ancient knowledge but the whole treasure chest ~ because why go after just a spoonful of nourishment?

Last evening I participated with 4 other magnificent women in a northern shamanic vision quest led by a wonderful Vitki.  This isn't just a coincidence that through the ancient north traditions my vision has been cleared.  My ancestral roots like most western europeans comes from the celtic + viking traditions.  It wasn't just a luck of the draw that I spent 2 weeks in Ireland and England last May.  It was the call of the delicate, optimistic, pain-in-the-ass 6 year old sprite come to claim her star birth rite.

There are so many ways back to finding our true self.  The one that brings you joy even in the midsts of your human trials is your key.  I know my home is in the stars and that I live here now.  Finally claiming the ancient traditions of the stars brings a passion long since subdued back into my daily life.  My ancestral knowledge helps me to meld it all together.  It supports the creation of knowledge, play, love, and nourishment that is a kaleidoscope of all wisdom ~ ancient, current, earth, + star.

Take the road you are most afraid to walk.  It is on that road your truth lies waiting.  Who you are is for you to discover and claim.  Loving every aspect whether it be called light or dark is what it is all about this time around.  Close your ears to the world screaming out the latest and greatest.  Open your heart to the murmurings of those not seen ~ they remember you, your naked you, your sacred, playful, wise you.  

Let's take that step and see where it takes us.  Let's brew that cup of nourishment and drink it down.  Every last drop! 

I'll be seeing you around the next star - The Soul Traveler xoxoxoo

The Onion Skin ..... Whew!

We have all been at this game a very long time plugging away at the wounds and fears that have culminated over many years and many lifetimes.  When I first pulled the brake on the merry-go-round, I went in search of ways to release the wild woman in me.  I went searching for a way to stop the continual repetitive nonsense that occurred in my life.  I went in search of the tool to help peel the onion skin we call life.

For over 20 years I have peeled and peeled away my fears, ego-driven decisions and patterns, + my wounds.  Early on after a major shift and healing, breathing a sigh of relief, I would erroneously think I had finally released it + life would be grand.  Eventually I realized that my onion had many layers. HA!

Seeking help for the abuse from my teen years from traditional + non-traditional modalities, large pieces were discovered, healed, and released.  I understood it would take time to find my way through the wounding.  I embraced each opportunity.  As all of us have I experienced my fair share of wounding..  I can't say mine has been any worse than anyone else.  What I can say is I sought healing.  I dislike feeling wounded.  I like feeling alive.

When the brake was pulled and I woke up to the fact that I was so much more, my deeper sense showed me that healing had to take place on all levels.  The levels of mind, body, & soul.  Healing only one aspect of me wasn't deep and true healing.  If I left the body out it would flair up later throwing a wrench into my life.  My mind, well it's cunningness would just plain shut the whole plan down.  My soul led the charge so I always knew where it stood!

Naturally I have always tended to my body, watching its reaction and cradling it in self-care.  Broken bones were very minimal.  I trampled over soccer fields, scaled trees, lifted poundage few can, and danced till dawn.  Sure there are times I wondered why I needed an extra 3 hours of sleep, or the extra body fat lingered longer than I wanted, but I never thought my body wasn't magnificent.  Self care of this amazing gift was easy, delightful.  Now she was screaming and I couldn't find the secret.  

About a year ago, I began to experience strong pain in my hip area.  My ability to move or sit & stand for long periods was significantly hampered.  Cursing my age and refusing to succumb to the charge of "this is what happens when you get older" I sought support.  My pelvic area was screaming daily!  I have a very high pain tolerance so when I say screaming, well I think you get it.  Determined I searched for relief.

Finally ~ I discovered a way to release the muscles around my pelvic bones.  I started with exercises while I searched for a rolfer and physician.  A doctor came on the scene eventually.  She was my first experience with a Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine.  I was actually touched for 45 minutes not just once but 3 separate sessions.  After that amazing experience I walked away with relief and an understanding of the physical root cause of my pain.  This is a lovely story but what does this have to do with the Onion?

For over 3 weeks now, since starting the self-care of my body, every wounding around this area, wounding that has been there for over 50 years came bursting forth.  The muscles screaming was the pain long held so tightly.  My muscles vowed that they would hold that pain so it could not hurt me and assure no one could see it.  The pelvic girdle was my armor.  It absorbed the abuse, the traumatic birthing of my son, the wild woman wounding, and grabbed everything that threatened my heart.   The Onion had burst upon the scene demanding to be picked and devoured.  

The race was on to bring the healing to the deepest part of me.  Things I had not thought of for ages surfaced during the day and especially at night.  My nighttime travels were halted.  The stars came in force, the guides suited up, and tackled, snuggled and down right knocked the wounding out of the ball park.  Driving in rush hour traffic in a town of 65,000, I found myself yelling at them to move taking myself back to years of Denver + I-25 traffic only to realize another layer was asking to be peeled, that layer of feeling out of control.  I know I am not in control of the outside world.  The red flag had surface and off I went to heal the wound that was asking to be seen.  Exhausted from the pain, I sat one night allowing the tears to form, suddenly a hummingbird sat beside me on the trellis, releasing two streams of nectar, turned to look at me and flew away.  Healing surrounded me.

A long time ago I learned that healing for this lifetime won't be done by any certain date.  Healing takes times.  Healing is self-care.  Healing is being the wild woman.  What I can do is minimize the wounding.  I can heal whatever comes now quickly.  The wounding is no longer buried out of fear and misunderstanding.  At times the wounding becomes a grand experiment.  Like a bug under the microscope I love to dissect it, watch to see what works best to heal, and discover the inner wealth I hold to bring forth my secret cure.  Is the cure recognizing my worth, who I am and how I am in the world, or is it something as simple as a smile and acceptance?

Life is filled with adventures.  None of them are better or worse.  All of them draw us closer to who we are and our purpose.  How we react to them creates the wounding or the empowerment. Learning to peel that onion with all our tools frees us up to enjoy our life fully.  

My tool bag is always packed.  How about you?

Traveling on - The Soul Traveler XOXO

 

Turn, turn... and turn again

I have walked the equivalent of every day for 9 months.  Realizing that from September 2014 till June 2015 my ass has been dragged out, sometimes literally, into the cold, rain, wind, snow, and heat for the sole purpose of staying mellow can be mystifying.  Oh yeah, I wanted to see some pounds wander off but it wasn't the focus.  There has been a few things I have learned over the last 6 decades and one of them, the caged animal, surfaces damn quickly in me.  Repetitive tasks can speedboat that feeling.  Every work day I take 3 walks which over 9 months adds up to a walk everyday.  A little obsessive?  Nope, sanity!

Today as I headed off, totally plugged into Ceremony by James Hood, I was transported to my beloved Zen space.   

Feeling the warm summer sun on my back, the light cool breeze gracing my face, I glided down the busy street grooving to my tunes.  Like every day prior I turned the corner heading directly into the hot sun.  In that moment as the breeze disappeared I realized for 9 months I had relished each turn that relieved me of the elements ~ wind, cold, rain, snow, heat and placed them squarely at my back.  Ah I could breath only to find once again I had turned and faced exactly what I found to be difficult and challenging.  Laughing out loud, a little startling to passers-by when you are totally plugged in, I began to reflect.

How many times over the last 6 decades have I turned away from comfort only to face a challenge?  What drew me to make that turn?  Was the comfort the motivator or was it the call of the adventure?  How many times had I turned in my normal stride to leave the challenge behind? And who was it that decided I needed to turn?  

What challenge did I take in stride only to discover I had turned away and into the ease of the journey?

Each one of us will find ourselves turning, turning, and turning again.  Back into a challenge, back into comfort, back and back again, a constant rhythmical journey that can seem easy and hard at the same time.  Over time we develop skills to meet the challenges and comforts of our life.  But do we really reflect upon the beauty in each turn?  Yes, most of us take the time to learn the lesson of the challenge.  I think that we miss the beauty.  

Taking the time to understand and relish the beauty of the challenge brings us to understanding the rhythm of our journey.  I know some of us experience incredible challenges.  I am not talking about minimizing them.  I know that even in those challenges there is beauty to be discovered.  Many of my life challenges have shed a light on the depth of love and beauty hidden deep within the emotions and pain.  I could not see what I see now without those challenges.  Even the painful heart holds a rare and unique beauty as witnessed by the rose and its thorns.  

Imagine for a moment with challenge & comfort no longer in our vocabulary, a day filled with discovery.  Sensing each turn as just the next leg of the adventure, could you pause and recognize the beauty?  Beauty stands before us begging for a true glance of our bashful eyes.  It asks for one moment of recognition that Beauty is only a reflection of our true self.  The pelting rain upon my face when seen as a washing away of the tension brings giggles followed by relaxation.  The 95 degree sun pulsing early in the season forces me to close my tired eyes, granting a pause before the realization of warmed bones long overdue.  Leaning in against the raging wind brings a kindred understanding of our feathered friends world.  Bundled against the cold forces me to slow down and just be. Turning into the challenge awakens the spark, the hidden reality of the depth of natural abilities to move in grace often disguised as limitations.  Glancing swiftly within settles the distress, brings into the open an awareness that cannot be denied of ingenious abilities we have .... 

And then turn ....

I challenge you to discover the beauty in your turns.  Seek the natural rhythm of your journey and allow it to show you how turns along the path are gracious and reflective of your inner beauty.  Discover the dance.

Traveling on .....

The Soul Traveler xoxo

The Stillness that is the Harvest

Sometimes, when we really pay complete attention, we are gifted with a communion that takes us out of our daily existence and into the 'real' experience of life.  

Four summers ago I visited the Devoto Memorial Cedar Grove on Lolo Pass. This grove from the first moment I heard of it has been calling and gifting me deeply.  Each summer since hearing the first call, I have returned and included one good friend to travel the grove with me.  Each friend has experienced and brought to the Cedars' a much-needed piece.

My personal blend of sacred herbs & plants includes the cedar from this grove, my clearing tools include a large piece of bark from the Grandmother Tree magically shaped like a cedar feather fan.  Every trip has been blessed with a special harvest of needles and bark, wisdom and words, strength & courage leaving behind gifts of my love and respect.  These visits have been magic-filled.

In 2012 I was told not to go further than the first 10 feet which of course I gently challenged.  Here was my first opportunity to step into a forest filled with ancient ancestors only to be asked to leave. 

In 2013 hearing I needed to come and  harvest cedar for a special blend I was to make, we arrived and heard repeatedly 'NO not here’.  Finding nothing had fallen to the ground to gather we decided to head home.   Winding back over the pass I heard a loud "Pull off Here" command and found myself face to face with 3 large cedar trees standing with branches loaded and offering their needles for sacred use.  

Last summer brought me to the Grandmother Cedar.  She had fallen across the trail blocking access to the area where I usually make my offerings and sit to drum.  She beckoned me to lie upon her and be with her.  Feeling the life still beating within her and hearing her song as I lay there took me to a deeper understanding of the magic between trees and me, actually all of this planet and me.  I have always loved the place we call Earth.  I have ached for her and cheered with her, shed tears for her and rallied for her, knowing that she will always forgive and continue to offer love to us.  She has protected me and drawn me closer to my medicine ways.  She has taken me home through her night sky and brought me back with the waking sun.  Yet the visit last year laid me open.  It carved the path for me to really grasp what was to be shown in the months ahead.

Grandmother Cedar gifted me with memories and bark from her fallen trunk.  I took several pieces but stopped before she told me.  I stopped because I did not want to be a glutton.  This May as I prepared for my trip to Ireland & Glastonbury I gathered satchels of my sacred blend digging into my stash of cedar.  It became evident in my preparations that I would soon be out of cedar needles and would need to ask to come harvest in the grove.  As I visited Ireland I left offerings to the land and was gifted small pieces of the Irish landscape for the sacred grove here.  Glastonbury welcomed my offerings of cedar and at Og & Magog I received a piece to bring back to Grandmother.  

Shortly after my return I heard Grandmother call asking me to come and see her.  I was asked to bring a friend and was given that friends name.  This wonderful friend has a gift of healing and as soon as the invitation was offered she connected with the grove and prepared for our visit.  And now in 2015 we came to assist with the matrix as a support to a new paradigm needed for the cedars to survive.

Upon our arrival we were asked to reverse my normal routine.  First we were to go to my special sacred spot, drum, and make our offerings.  The Grove whispered its hello and delight in our visit.  Grandmother Cedar chastised me for my reluctance to take more my last visit.  Why was I so stubborn to take what had been offered?  What was this 'belief' in my excuse of gluttony?  Who was I to determine when a gift was enough?  WoW!  She was right.  Who did I think I was to 'know' what was the right amount for a gift?  Why would I put a governor on the outpouring of sacredness?

Traversing through the grove we finally came to Grandmother Cedar.  She had been cut into several pieces so the trail could be cleared.  Her heart still beat as she lay there, holding the interim Grandmother and the matrix of the grove in a supporting love.  She knew as the Grove did that the old ways of holding space upon Earth needed to change.  It could no longer fall upon one.  There was a call now for several groupings of trees to bind together and then each group would hold the next until the matrix became a honeycomb shape and support system.  We were asked to help in setting the matrix and flow.  We were also asked to partake so we could understand the need for this paradigm shift.  

Coming face to face with her once again, I was transported back to last year and my special time with her.  Knowing I was to stay open to her guidance and blessings of the gift of her bark and needles, I pulled my bag out and listened.  Gently taking her bark, needles from the branches that had begun to grow from her fallen trunk, tears flowed as I realized that soon she would be out in the world blessing homes, ceremonial fires, and altars.  I continued until I heard her tell me "Take one piece just for you, my daughter, to remember me by for I won't be here next time you come".  I gently laid the piece of offering I brought from Ireland and Glastonbury, stepping back I turned, my heart saddened yet full, knowing she would be gone when I returned.

Continuing our work it became apparent that each group of three old cedars had around them groups of three much younger trees creating a matrix of 12 that connected to the next 12.  As we worked diligently, several groups of visitors would walk along the trails in the grove, stopping occasionally to chat with us.  The entire time we worked there were no groups of 2 or 5 only the combo of 3, 9, and 12 ~ trees and humans.  Finally we found ourselves back at the opening to the grove facing  a line of male cedars guarding the grove from the highway.  We were instructed to leave them as they were ~ connected to each other but not the grove.  These cedars are the Guardians of the Grove.  This place holds so much for all who visit.  What a blessing to be asked to help.
  

Often times we think we are being respectful by our humility yet there are times when it is only our ego that declares the reasons for our humility.  When I stopped taking the gifts Grandmother Cedar offered last year out of my need to 'not take too much and be disrespectful'  I wasn't able to gift fully to others.  I had to be careful with what I used in my sacred blend and in sharing with others.  Being concerned about 'running out' brought lack to others and myself.  Had I continued to gather more of Grandmother Cedar would be out in the world today.

It is so important to listen closely and not 'read into' or let our ego interfere in our sacred work.  Whether it is in our gathering of sacred offerings, building our connections, or learning + listening from Spirit and our Soul, don't quit when You think it is time.  Stop when all goes quiet and the stillness of the sacred moment assures you that completion has happened.  

This journey we are traversing is filled with opportunities to lengthen and strengthen our connection to our Higher Soul Self and Source.  We are here to learn and grown.  Don't think because you have 'arrived' and completed course after course that you are done learning.  Oh no ~ Beware of that ego trap!  HA, Baba Yaga loves those times.

So keep on keeping on!  Learn, Laugh, and Leap!

The journey continues ~

The Soul Traveler xoxox